Today at work, a celebrity who will remain unnamed came in and ordered an iced coffee from me. I prepared his beverage, then rang him up at the register while he stared at my breasts. He then tipped me fifty-six cents. That's right, fifty-six cents. That's a dime short of being a full house of change, my friends.
Now, normally if a customer were to ogle my chest and then tip me fifty-six cents, I would try to convince myself it was all he could possibly afford to pay for such a view, if only to save the precious little that is left of my self-esteem. Not something that can be done with Mr. Celebrity Pocket Change.
Anyway, point is ... I'm fifty-six cents closer to my boob job!!
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Concerns of the Neurotic Baby
"These ceilings are just ... unreasonably high."
"Come here, feel this fontanel. I should really be wearing some sort of hardhat, don't you think?"
"I haven't slept a wink. I keep thinking, what if, one day, I wake up and I can't put my foot in my mouth?"
"It would just put me at ease to see some sort of identification. Sure, they claim to be 'Mom' and 'Dad', but the other day I could have sworn I heard someone referred to as 'Mr. Passive Aggressive.'"
"I mean, I could just wake up tomorrow and bam, I'm allergic to applesauce. Then what?"
"I look ridiculous. Unless we're having lobster, I'm not wearing this."
"Who's going to hire me with this pansy-ass handshake?"
"What if I have to chew my way out of something?"
"Be honest. Is that puppy cuter than I am?"
"Come here, feel this fontanel. I should really be wearing some sort of hardhat, don't you think?"
"I haven't slept a wink. I keep thinking, what if, one day, I wake up and I can't put my foot in my mouth?"
"It would just put me at ease to see some sort of identification. Sure, they claim to be 'Mom' and 'Dad', but the other day I could have sworn I heard someone referred to as 'Mr. Passive Aggressive.'"
"I mean, I could just wake up tomorrow and bam, I'm allergic to applesauce. Then what?"
"I look ridiculous. Unless we're having lobster, I'm not wearing this."
"Who's going to hire me with this pansy-ass handshake?"
"What if I have to chew my way out of something?"
"Be honest. Is that puppy cuter than I am?"
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Antonym for "iPhone"
Someone plugged a black and white TV into a telephone pole on the corner of 7th and Greenwich Ave. It was pretty awesome, until the homeless guy next to me didn't want to watch another episode of Law and Order because, "he's seen 'em all." First of all, I HIGHLY doubt it, and second of all, some people are never happy, are they? Also, some people eat their own hair, so take that for what it's worth.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Bee Cool
Today being Wednesday, the metaphorical cream to the Oreo cookie that is my week, I decided to venture outside (!!!) and eat lunch somewhere I had never been. Considering I try to restrict every meal I eat to the restaurant where I work so that it's free, I figured this wouldn't be too difficult. It wasn't, but what followed ... was.
So I walked as long as I could, fighting the pains of hunger, and ended up at this place that is about three minutes and twenty-five seconds from my apartment. I was immediately taken aback upon entering this establishment, which will remain nameless to protect the innocent (also, I don't remember it), because there was only one customer in the entire place. Always a good sign. Then, when I got close enough to the counter, said customer closed his newspaper and proceeded to go underneath the counter in front of me, because he, in fact, works there. Even better sign. After I adjusted to this role reversal and ceased treating him with respect, as to adhere to the rules of the service industry, I took a look at the menu. At least, what I think was the menu; to me, it more closely resembled a list of trees and plants I had to memorize for my 7th grade science class. Suddenly, I was unsure if I was there to eat or build a terrarium.
He invited me to ask him any questions I had about the menu, which luckily answered my original question. Now, here is where a common problem I run into took over. Any other normal person who isn't accustomed to eating things they can't pronounce ("sub-way." So easy.) would have just walked out. However, I have a strange need to "play it cool" in situations and thus, the urge to make it look like I knew exactly what I was doing and had meant to come there took over. The thing is, I don't usually make much of an attempt to be cool in front of people who know me; that is a lost cause. Yet, in front of total strangers, I usually aim to make myself look like I walked straight out of a Virginia Slims ad, which is like some uber-level of coolness, because 1) everyone knows smoking cigarettes is cool and 2) it makes me vintage-cool, because I'm pretty sure they stopped advertising Virginia Slims in the late 80s.
Anyway, I caved under the pressure and ordered the first thing I could pronounce. After the owner told me that the "delivery hours" weren't for sale, I went for some sort of salad. I'm sure you hear salad and a few various things come to my mind: for sure lettuce, tomato (hopefully salmonella-free), cucumbers, carrots; maybe you're the wild and exotic type and you hear "avocado, feta cheese, portabello mushrooms"; or maybe you're batshit crazy and you think of those McDonald's Salad Shakers. I don't know, but I'll tell you what you probably don't think of: sprouts, sprouts, sprouts, nothing but sprouts. Fine, I understand that sprouts are something that comes on salads and sandwiches often, but to be honest, if I didn't know better and I ordered a salad with sprouts on it, I would probably call the waiter back and say, "I'm sorry, but there is vegetable sperm on my salad."
Point is, this salad had nothing but sprouts. There were a few things on top of the sprouts, but there were so few that it looked like they were there by accident, like they had taken a wrong turn on the way to fertilizer they belong in and ended up on my sprout salad. As I ate my heaping bowl of sprouts, I began to wonder if my body was going to go in fat-storing mode, thinking that I must be trapped out on the side of a mountain or in the middle of the woods with no rescue squad in sight and no human companion's arm to gnaw on.
Let me interject to say that I am not trying to knock people who eat this type of thing on a daily basis or the kind staff at this establishment. It's just that I am not used to eating meals with less than 264% of my daily sodium intake. And trust me, for all my confusion at how this could serve as a suitable lunch, I ate my sprouts right up, like I was on death row and it was my last meal at Woodstock prison. And shocker, once I was done, my processed-food-loving American stomach wanted more. So I looked at the "menu" once again and decided to go for a smoothie. This one didn't have sprouts, and all the ingredients were fairly standard smoothie-fare, except for the ... bee pollen? Now, I know bee pollen is something people do eat and there are much stranger things people put in their bodies (opting out of the easy joke on that one), but I had never had it before, and all that kept running through my mind was how recently someone told me that bees are the most vital of insects because, quote, "if the bees all die, we all die." I don't know how much validity there is to that statement, but let's just say that the image of a T- rex telling his buddies to "lay off the bee sandwiches, bro" in vain until shit really hit the fan has crossed my mind.
My bee pollen-infused smoothie, nevertheless, was delicious. I was enjoying it whole-heartedly and was even about to ask where I could find a good pair of Birkenstocks in the neighborhood when I heard a buzzing sound near my right ear. I kid you not, it was a bee. You can imagine how awkward this was for me. He was just hovering there, like I owed him something. And sure, maybe I did, but I've never had a wild turkey give me the evil eye when I was enjoying a fresh-toasted (sprout free!!!) 12" delight.
Let's just say I'll be "staying fresh" from now on, if you know what I mean.
So I walked as long as I could, fighting the pains of hunger, and ended up at this place that is about three minutes and twenty-five seconds from my apartment. I was immediately taken aback upon entering this establishment, which will remain nameless to protect the innocent (also, I don't remember it), because there was only one customer in the entire place. Always a good sign. Then, when I got close enough to the counter, said customer closed his newspaper and proceeded to go underneath the counter in front of me, because he, in fact, works there. Even better sign. After I adjusted to this role reversal and ceased treating him with respect, as to adhere to the rules of the service industry, I took a look at the menu. At least, what I think was the menu; to me, it more closely resembled a list of trees and plants I had to memorize for my 7th grade science class. Suddenly, I was unsure if I was there to eat or build a terrarium.
He invited me to ask him any questions I had about the menu, which luckily answered my original question. Now, here is where a common problem I run into took over. Any other normal person who isn't accustomed to eating things they can't pronounce ("sub-way." So easy.) would have just walked out. However, I have a strange need to "play it cool" in situations and thus, the urge to make it look like I knew exactly what I was doing and had meant to come there took over. The thing is, I don't usually make much of an attempt to be cool in front of people who know me; that is a lost cause. Yet, in front of total strangers, I usually aim to make myself look like I walked straight out of a Virginia Slims ad, which is like some uber-level of coolness, because 1) everyone knows smoking cigarettes is cool and 2) it makes me vintage-cool, because I'm pretty sure they stopped advertising Virginia Slims in the late 80s.
Anyway, I caved under the pressure and ordered the first thing I could pronounce. After the owner told me that the "delivery hours" weren't for sale, I went for some sort of salad. I'm sure you hear salad and a few various things come to my mind: for sure lettuce, tomato (hopefully salmonella-free), cucumbers, carrots; maybe you're the wild and exotic type and you hear "avocado, feta cheese, portabello mushrooms"; or maybe you're batshit crazy and you think of those McDonald's Salad Shakers. I don't know, but I'll tell you what you probably don't think of: sprouts, sprouts, sprouts, nothing but sprouts. Fine, I understand that sprouts are something that comes on salads and sandwiches often, but to be honest, if I didn't know better and I ordered a salad with sprouts on it, I would probably call the waiter back and say, "I'm sorry, but there is vegetable sperm on my salad."
Point is, this salad had nothing but sprouts. There were a few things on top of the sprouts, but there were so few that it looked like they were there by accident, like they had taken a wrong turn on the way to fertilizer they belong in and ended up on my sprout salad. As I ate my heaping bowl of sprouts, I began to wonder if my body was going to go in fat-storing mode, thinking that I must be trapped out on the side of a mountain or in the middle of the woods with no rescue squad in sight and no human companion's arm to gnaw on.
Let me interject to say that I am not trying to knock people who eat this type of thing on a daily basis or the kind staff at this establishment. It's just that I am not used to eating meals with less than 264% of my daily sodium intake. And trust me, for all my confusion at how this could serve as a suitable lunch, I ate my sprouts right up, like I was on death row and it was my last meal at Woodstock prison. And shocker, once I was done, my processed-food-loving American stomach wanted more. So I looked at the "menu" once again and decided to go for a smoothie. This one didn't have sprouts, and all the ingredients were fairly standard smoothie-fare, except for the ... bee pollen? Now, I know bee pollen is something people do eat and there are much stranger things people put in their bodies (opting out of the easy joke on that one), but I had never had it before, and all that kept running through my mind was how recently someone told me that bees are the most vital of insects because, quote, "if the bees all die, we all die." I don't know how much validity there is to that statement, but let's just say that the image of a T- rex telling his buddies to "lay off the bee sandwiches, bro" in vain until shit really hit the fan has crossed my mind.
My bee pollen-infused smoothie, nevertheless, was delicious. I was enjoying it whole-heartedly and was even about to ask where I could find a good pair of Birkenstocks in the neighborhood when I heard a buzzing sound near my right ear. I kid you not, it was a bee. You can imagine how awkward this was for me. He was just hovering there, like I owed him something. And sure, maybe I did, but I've never had a wild turkey give me the evil eye when I was enjoying a fresh-toasted (sprout free!!!) 12" delight.
Let's just say I'll be "staying fresh" from now on, if you know what I mean.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
The Presidential Seal
This little guy would have been a far better choice, Obama.
When the Obama logo and presidential seal collide
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Steve Jobs DJ'ed My Bar Mitzvah
Do The Shuffle
One of the most important and most nerve-wracking parts of event planning is music selection. Playing even just one ill-chosen song can scar a young child for life, doom a marriage, or really bring down the mood at a funeral. Well, those worries are a thing of the past, much like books, because Steve Jobs and his posse have done it once again. iTunes' Party Shuffle feature takes the guesswork out of planning the song list or hiring a fancy DJ for your next bar mitzvah, quincineria, or wedding (and by next, I mean first, because you should really be aiming to have only one of all those events.) To demonstrate this technological marvel, I have included a sample of a real-life Party Shuffle playlist selection that my iTunes produced, along with what I feel is a pretty accurate depiction of how the said party would go.
NOTE: This is a 100% authentic, verbatim Party Shuffle list. The list has not been altered in any way. I am not David Blaine; I am not about trickery.
1) "Desperado" by The Eagles
A real classic to kick off the festivities! As the guests begin to arrive, they are greeted by Don Henley telling them that they "better let somebody love them," and there's no better place to do that than one where you find youself surrounded by alcohol and farm animals (you weren't planning to have a party without a petting zoo, were you?) This selection is also the perfect choice for those smooth talkers whose pick up line of choice is the classic, "Don't you think it's cold in the wintertime?"
2) "What You Wish For" by Guster
Neither you nor your party goers will know this song, but the "No, no, I'm telling you, it's O.A.R.!" "No way, it's Dispatch!” dialogue really brings people together.
3) "High and Dry” by Radiohead
And the party continues to rage. Party Shuffle has made another solid move in its selection of one of the many heart-pumping jams of Thom Yorke and co." At this point, it's like, "get a room, people!" Am I right?!
4) "Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough" by Don Henley & Patti Smith
At this point, the party has about as much Don Henley as it does goats, and that’s never a bad thing. A heart-wrenching duet ballad rocks the house as The Don and Patti Smith remind our guests that sometimes love just ain't enough. However, sometimes six Long Island Iced Teas is and an adequate knowledge of modern day politics is, so fingers crossed!
5) "ABC" by The Jackson 5
We know what you’re thinking. The Jackson 5?! A bit of a downer after we've had our spirits lifted with the message of "There's a danger in loving somebody too much", but oh, ye of little faith!. Apple has included a time-sensitive "Bathroom Break" tune, and conveniently planted it in just the right place. But remember, keep an eye on your drink at all times! Those potbelly pigs sure are thirsty.
6) "Buckets of Rain" by Bob Dylan
A mumbling folk singer on an acoustic guitar? Now that's more like it! Don't be alarmed if your party is starting to look an awful lot like MTV's "The Grind" (Spring Break Edition!) Rest assured, all that whipped cream comes out with just a little seltzer water.
7) "Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynard Skynard
This is a particularly well chosen selection for us Yankees, because there is nothing modern day blue state folk like more than throwing their PBR-clutching hands into the air and ironically singing along to a classic rock song about a state that they most likely think was abolished during The Civil War. Kudos to Party Shuffle for entertaining and enlightening the masses. Even The Governor would find it hard not to break into a two step.
8) "Bridge over Troubled Water (LIVE!)" by Simon & Garfunkel
At this point, party goers will surely be begging you to turn up the volume on this bumping beat, but alas, it would be to no avail, because Party Shuffle has wisely chosen a song that was recorded at a volume that only canines can hear. Not surprisingly, the sheepherding dogs in the petting zoo really start to get down at this point.
And ergo, the glory of Party Shuffle. I hope you will employ this wonderful tool for all future party'esque ventures of your own. As for me, it's time to go cry myself to sleep in the fetal position while wearing Converse All Stars, because based on my iTunes library, that is clearly my favorite activity.
One of the most important and most nerve-wracking parts of event planning is music selection. Playing even just one ill-chosen song can scar a young child for life, doom a marriage, or really bring down the mood at a funeral. Well, those worries are a thing of the past, much like books, because Steve Jobs and his posse have done it once again. iTunes' Party Shuffle feature takes the guesswork out of planning the song list or hiring a fancy DJ for your next bar mitzvah, quincineria, or wedding (and by next, I mean first, because you should really be aiming to have only one of all those events.) To demonstrate this technological marvel, I have included a sample of a real-life Party Shuffle playlist selection that my iTunes produced, along with what I feel is a pretty accurate depiction of how the said party would go.
NOTE: This is a 100% authentic, verbatim Party Shuffle list. The list has not been altered in any way. I am not David Blaine; I am not about trickery.
1) "Desperado" by The Eagles
A real classic to kick off the festivities! As the guests begin to arrive, they are greeted by Don Henley telling them that they "better let somebody love them," and there's no better place to do that than one where you find youself surrounded by alcohol and farm animals (you weren't planning to have a party without a petting zoo, were you?) This selection is also the perfect choice for those smooth talkers whose pick up line of choice is the classic, "Don't you think it's cold in the wintertime?"
2) "What You Wish For" by Guster
Neither you nor your party goers will know this song, but the "No, no, I'm telling you, it's O.A.R.!" "No way, it's Dispatch!” dialogue really brings people together.
3) "High and Dry” by Radiohead
And the party continues to rage. Party Shuffle has made another solid move in its selection of one of the many heart-pumping jams of Thom Yorke and co." At this point, it's like, "get a room, people!" Am I right?!
4) "Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough" by Don Henley & Patti Smith
At this point, the party has about as much Don Henley as it does goats, and that’s never a bad thing. A heart-wrenching duet ballad rocks the house as The Don and Patti Smith remind our guests that sometimes love just ain't enough. However, sometimes six Long Island Iced Teas is and an adequate knowledge of modern day politics is, so fingers crossed!
5) "ABC" by The Jackson 5
We know what you’re thinking. The Jackson 5?! A bit of a downer after we've had our spirits lifted with the message of "There's a danger in loving somebody too much", but oh, ye of little faith!. Apple has included a time-sensitive "Bathroom Break" tune, and conveniently planted it in just the right place. But remember, keep an eye on your drink at all times! Those potbelly pigs sure are thirsty.
6) "Buckets of Rain" by Bob Dylan
A mumbling folk singer on an acoustic guitar? Now that's more like it! Don't be alarmed if your party is starting to look an awful lot like MTV's "The Grind" (Spring Break Edition!) Rest assured, all that whipped cream comes out with just a little seltzer water.
7) "Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynard Skynard
This is a particularly well chosen selection for us Yankees, because there is nothing modern day blue state folk like more than throwing their PBR-clutching hands into the air and ironically singing along to a classic rock song about a state that they most likely think was abolished during The Civil War. Kudos to Party Shuffle for entertaining and enlightening the masses. Even The Governor would find it hard not to break into a two step.
8) "Bridge over Troubled Water (LIVE!)" by Simon & Garfunkel
At this point, party goers will surely be begging you to turn up the volume on this bumping beat, but alas, it would be to no avail, because Party Shuffle has wisely chosen a song that was recorded at a volume that only canines can hear. Not surprisingly, the sheepherding dogs in the petting zoo really start to get down at this point.
And ergo, the glory of Party Shuffle. I hope you will employ this wonderful tool for all future party'esque ventures of your own. As for me, it's time to go cry myself to sleep in the fetal position while wearing Converse All Stars, because based on my iTunes library, that is clearly my favorite activity.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
The (HTML) Path to Enlightenment
Today, I checked to see if anyone had registered the URL "http://www.buddha.om"
No one had. Sometimes I wonder about this world. Other times I wonder, "could I pull off a onesie?"
(The answer, by the way, is no, and certainly not at a funeral. Big fashion faux pas. Who knew?)
No one had. Sometimes I wonder about this world. Other times I wonder, "could I pull off a onesie?"
(The answer, by the way, is no, and certainly not at a funeral. Big fashion faux pas. Who knew?)
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