Dear Presidents of the United States,
I know this is, like, "your weekend" and all, but I'm pretty pissed at you, if we're being honest with each other. I didn't care about all the mistakes you've made throughout history and all the innocent lives you've taken. Nor did I really care about all the good stuff you've done, either, because I'm an American, I believe in equality of ignorance. But listen, I've been thinking a lot about this whole weekend and you know, you people are never happy. You're on our currency, we build you a mountain, and then you want a whole DAY? Who voted you kings of the world? Whatever, you are just so fucking selfish. I don't even know anymore. I just wrote this letter because I just had all these feelings and I wasn't even going to send it but I wrote it and I made 43 copies and you know what? I think I will send it. Wow, I feel so much better now. Oh, and by the way? I totally lied to you before, I voted for Perot.
Take that,
A woman, ergo, clearly NOT a president
P.S. Please see the list I have attached below. Constructive criticism is always welcome!!! :)
THE TOP 5 PILFs:
5) George Washington: Never met a cherry he didn't want to take
4) Grover Cleveland: Endless possibilities for dirty talk, i.e. "Cleve my grove, Grover my cleveland, I want to eff you hard President Grover Cleveland", etc, etc.
3) Millard Fillmore: Must work hard in the bedroom as way to make up for being "Millard Fillmore"
2) George Bush Sr: If necessary, abortion would be guilt-free
1) Thomas Jefferson: If "once you go black, you never go back" is true and then I bag Thomas Jefferson? Talk about an ego boost.
THE BOTTOM 5 PILFs:
5) John F. Kennedy: Um, because he's DEAD?!?! What's wrong with you?
4) Abraham Lincoln: Would be, like, "sooooo against" me being his sex slave
3) William Howard Taft: The only man in history to hold the distinction of the non-word "Taft" being 100% descriptive of him
2) Ulysses S. Grant: When's the last time you met a STRAIGHT Ulysses?
1) William Jefferson Clinton: Fuck the First Lady? Now that's just disrespectful
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hit counter Hits and self esteem are positively correlated, so please click "reload." My neighbors, who will benefit from a significant increase in the number of Haagen-Dazs pints available to them at our corner deli, thank you. And I do, too.
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