Are you listening to me, Tonto? Dammit, Tonto, stop being the living embodiment of an archaic stereotype and listen to me!

The following are observations I have made today that I imagine are the types of things I would comment on to my sidekick and, upon hearing them, he would nod in agreement, re-affirming my worthiness of being someone whose awesomeness is so great that it can do nothing but spill over onto another human being and thus render said human being as my sidekick. But alas, who can afford a sidecar for their moped in the midst of an economic recession?

1) Barnes and Noble has their Wine & Spirits section directly next to their Self Help section. I commend you for your devotion to non-sublety, B & N! However, they do lose some points for the redundancy of having both a Diet AND Women's Studies section.

2) NY1 may be the most self-aware news channel around. My cable box always somehow finds its way to it automatically (NY1 also may be the only channel whose head executive is sleeping with someone at Time Warner cable, but this is not Page Six, so I'll hush up.) Anyway, I inevitably will come home, turn on the TV and then go do something else, mostly because I like to run up the electric bill secretly and then yell at my roommate that she really needs to start charging her wheelchair at work.* Point is, every ten minutes or so, a really cheesy sounding lady comes on and sings, "You're waaatching Neeew Yooork Ooone." It's as if it some sort of PSA because I immediately stop what I'm doing and realize, "Oh my God, I'm watching New York One?!" *click* So, I commend you for your devotion to giving your viewers what they want, NY1! Which is nothing that would ever, ever be on NY1.

*This is not, of course, actually true. My roommate doesn't work.

3) You really can't start writing a list of observations you have made in one day if there are only going to be two. It makes you look like you have only had two original thoughts all day. And it's 6 o'clock! Some people have recovered from meth addictions by now. It makes you look pretty unintelligent. You should at least have an even number.

4) People wearing turtlenecks with puppies on them do not appreciate being petted on the sidewalk nearly as much as the actual puppies would.

Oh, what's that, Tonto? You have my under eye cream? Thaaaank you.