Steve Jobs DJ'ed My Bar Mitzvah

Do The Shuffle

One of the most important and most nerve-wracking parts of event planning is music selection. Playing even just one ill-chosen song can scar a young child for life, doom a marriage, or really bring down the mood at a funeral. Well, those worries are a thing of the past, much like books, because Steve Jobs and his posse have done it once again. iTunes' Party Shuffle feature takes the guesswork out of planning the song list or hiring a fancy DJ for your next bar mitzvah, quincineria, or wedding (and by next, I mean first, because you should really be aiming to have only one of all those events.) To demonstrate this technological marvel, I have included a sample of a real-life Party Shuffle playlist selection that my iTunes produced, along with what I feel is a pretty accurate depiction of how the said party would go.

NOTE: This is a 100% authentic, verbatim Party Shuffle list. The list has not been altered in any way. I am not David Blaine; I am not about trickery.

1) "Desperado" by The Eagles

A real classic to kick off the festivities! As the guests begin to arrive, they are greeted by Don Henley telling them that they "better let somebody love them," and there's no better place to do that than one where you find youself surrounded by alcohol and farm animals (you weren't planning to have a party without a petting zoo, were you?) This selection is also the perfect choice for those smooth talkers whose pick up line of choice is the classic, "Don't you think it's cold in the wintertime?"

2) "What You Wish For" by Guster

Neither you nor your party goers will know this song, but the "No, no, I'm telling you, it's O.A.R.!" "No way, it's Dispatch!” dialogue really brings people together.

3) "High and Dry” by Radiohead

And the party continues to rage. Party Shuffle has made another solid move in its selection of one of the many heart-pumping jams of Thom Yorke and co." At this point, it's like, "get a room, people!" Am I right?!

4) "Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough" by Don Henley & Patti Smith

At this point, the party has about as much Don Henley as it does goats, and that’s never a bad thing. A heart-wrenching duet ballad rocks the house as The Don and Patti Smith remind our guests that sometimes love just ain't enough. However, sometimes six Long Island Iced Teas is and an adequate knowledge of modern day politics is, so fingers crossed!

5) "ABC" by The Jackson 5

We know what you’re thinking. The Jackson 5?! A bit of a downer after we've had our spirits lifted with the message of "There's a danger in loving somebody too much", but oh, ye of little faith!. Apple has included a time-sensitive "Bathroom Break" tune, and conveniently planted it in just the right place. But remember, keep an eye on your drink at all times! Those potbelly pigs sure are thirsty.

6) "Buckets of Rain" by Bob Dylan

A mumbling folk singer on an acoustic guitar? Now that's more like it! Don't be alarmed if your party is starting to look an awful lot like MTV's "The Grind" (Spring Break Edition!) Rest assured, all that whipped cream comes out with just a little seltzer water.

7) "Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynard Skynard

This is a particularly well chosen selection for us Yankees, because there is nothing modern day blue state folk like more than throwing their PBR-clutching hands into the air and ironically singing along to a classic rock song about a state that they most likely think was abolished during The Civil War. Kudos to Party Shuffle for entertaining and enlightening the masses. Even The Governor would find it hard not to break into a two step.

8) "Bridge over Troubled Water (LIVE!)" by Simon & Garfunkel

At this point, party goers will surely be begging you to turn up the volume on this bumping beat, but alas, it would be to no avail, because Party Shuffle has wisely chosen a song that was recorded at a volume that only canines can hear. Not surprisingly, the sheepherding dogs in the petting zoo really start to get down at this point.

And ergo, the glory of Party Shuffle. I hope you will employ this wonderful tool for all future party'esque ventures of your own. As for me, it's time to go cry myself to sleep in the fetal position while wearing Converse All Stars, because based on my iTunes library, that is clearly my favorite activity.