Concerns of the Neurotic Baby

"These ceilings are just ... unreasonably high."

"Come here, feel this fontanel. I should really be wearing some sort of hardhat, don't you think?"

"I haven't slept a wink. I keep thinking, what if, one day, I wake up and I can't put my foot in my mouth?"

"It would just put me at ease to see some sort of identification. Sure, they claim to be 'Mom' and 'Dad', but the other day I could have sworn I heard someone referred to as 'Mr. Passive Aggressive.'"

"I mean, I could just wake up tomorrow and bam, I'm allergic to applesauce. Then what?"

"I look ridiculous. Unless we're having lobster, I'm not wearing this."

"Who's going to hire me with this pansy-ass handshake?"

"What if I have to chew my way out of something?"

"Be honest. Is that puppy cuter than I am?"