Congratulations on your new purchase from IKEA! The Väarkenbark birch 8-drawer armoire is sure to add just the right touch of mass-produced European'ness to your home. Wow, 8 drawers! That sure is a lot of drawers! Way more drawers than I need, even if all my sweatpants weren't dirty. This piece must be for sharing! That's ... nice....
1) Carefully set down your new piece of IKEA furniture onto a level surface. Take caution; this IKEA piece is very heavy and requires at least two people for lifting. Funny, isn't it? Seems like everything these days is designed for two! I'm sure you've got it covered though. I mean, who would buy an 8-drawer armoir for one? Now, If I were doing it, I guess I'd have to ask Hans over in 2B to come over and help me. He's been a big help lately, though I do always have to refill the hard candy bowl after he leaves. I don't want to accuse him of anything, but last night I detected the slightest hint of butterscotch scent coming from his apartment.
2) Open the box using a sharp cutting utensil. Take extra precaution with this step, as you could cut yourself with the knife and then start bleeding all over the floor and then he'd really be sorr ... It's just too soon to stain that nice birch finish, don't you think!
3) Remove all enclosed plastic bags with necessary screws and assembly parts. Set them aside to refer to during assembly. I think you've got this part covered, it's pretty basic. Nothing like relationships! Boy, those are tough to figure out, huh? One minute you're all two straws, one frozen margarita at Chili's and the next you're riding the New Jersey Transit up and down the Northeast Corridor Line just so you have other people to cry with!
4) Screw in boards B and C to the main frame, piece A.
5) According to my mother, I'm eating my feelings, but if I'm feeling like delicious Swedish meatballs, well so be it!
6) Attach security mounts to piece D. Place piece D atop of B and C to form the top of your armoir. Security, ha! You'd think even the smallest bit of basic security that comes along with any monogamous relationship wouldn't make purchasing Michael Buble tickets a couple, or maybe even nine, months in advance such a big deal, right?
7) Wrong.
8) Now that the base of your armoire has been assembled, you're ready to move on to the drawer assembly. Hurray! But listen, don't let me tell you when you need to or have to move on. I get it, you move on WHENEVER you're ready, even if it is "turning you into a miserable pile of self-pity and unwashed hair grease."
9) Maybe two dozen meatballs was too much. Though this Absolut has liquified them quite nicely.
10) Each drawer should contain three boards, a metallic handle, and seven E-Z fixed screws. It should not contain a pile of pictures from your vacation to Atlantic City with strategically scratched out eyeballs and three and a half pairs of stolen tube socks, but who's to say what should happen anymore, anyway?
11) Wouldn't YOU have taken things a little more seriously if you heard the words, "If you walk out that door, I'm moving to Sweden?" from a loved one? Well, who's bluffing now?, Or, should I say, "som är bluffa nu?"
12) Oh, the drawers, right. Guess you need somewhere to put all your stuff, huh? Though I bet you're like, "so in love" and you'll just end up mixing it all together and then you'll wear each others' tube socks to work and then laugh about it over a bottle of pinot later that night on your overpriced Swedish futon bed. Well, just be careful because ... because ... because red stains, OK!?!
13) Attach piece E1 to F1 and G1 using the included seven E-Z fixed screws. Repeat for each drawer. But really, what the hell do I know about keeping anything together, anyway? If it were up to me, I would probably tell you to put the drawers together with an unconditional support of one's acting career despite an uncanny inability to memorize lines, a stoic dedication to remaining under 130 pounds, and a willingness to feign interest in "Battlestar Galactica", but then you'd probably end up with your clothes all over the floor. And not in the good way, either.
14) Congratulations! Your IKEA Väarkenbark birch 8-drawer armoire is complete and ready to be used!
15) I don't want to die alone. God, why is this chocolate so damn sweet?!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
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2 comments:
hahaha that's pretty good, but i think dungarees are funnier then sweat pants.
as someone who has just suffered through a soul crushing amount of Ikea furniture assembly, I thought you NAILED it. heheheh. also, B clearly doesn't know that sweatpants are the uniform of the broken-hearted. now I want meatballs. thanks a lot, jen.
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