The following are observations I have made today that I imagine are the types of things I would comment on to my sidekick and, upon hearing them, he would nod in agreement, re-affirming my worthiness of being someone whose awesomeness is so great that it can do nothing but spill over onto another human being and thus render said human being as my sidekick. But alas, who can afford a sidecar for their moped in the midst of an economic recession?
1) Barnes and Noble has their Wine & Spirits section directly next to their Self Help section. I commend you for your devotion to non-sublety, B & N! However, they do lose some points for the redundancy of having both a Diet AND Women's Studies section.
2) NY1 may be the most self-aware news channel around. My cable box always somehow finds its way to it automatically (NY1 also may be the only channel whose head executive is sleeping with someone at Time Warner cable, but this is not Page Six, so I'll hush up.) Anyway, I inevitably will come home, turn on the TV and then go do something else, mostly because I like to run up the electric bill secretly and then yell at my roommate that she really needs to start charging her wheelchair at work.* Point is, every ten minutes or so, a really cheesy sounding lady comes on and sings, "You're waaatching Neeew Yooork Ooone." It's as if it some sort of PSA because I immediately stop what I'm doing and realize, "Oh my God, I'm watching New York One?!" *click* So, I commend you for your devotion to giving your viewers what they want, NY1! Which is nothing that would ever, ever be on NY1.
*This is not, of course, actually true. My roommate doesn't work.
3) You really can't start writing a list of observations you have made in one day if there are only going to be two. It makes you look like you have only had two original thoughts all day. And it's 6 o'clock! Some people have recovered from meth addictions by now. It makes you look pretty unintelligent. You should at least have an even number.
4) People wearing turtlenecks with puppies on them do not appreciate being petted on the sidewalk nearly as much as the actual puppies would.
Oh, what's that, Tonto? You have my under eye cream? Thaaaank you.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Are you listening to me, Tonto? Dammit, Tonto, stop being the living embodiment of an archaic stereotype and listen to me!
Monday, April 28, 2008
Don't Worry Mom, It's (Half) Fictional!
You can read this here, OR you can read it by going here: http://mcsweeneys.net/2008/4/28statsky.html
The difference is here you can read it on a yellow background, there it's a white one. It's options like these that make this blog more and more like IKEA every day.
Conversations My Parents Must Have Had While Planning to Raise a Child.
- - - -
DAD: I don't think we should ever talk about feelings.
MOM: Never.
- - - -
DAD: I'll take the greatest number of photographs of her when she's in her most awkward stage, right in the depths of puberty.
MOM: Good idea. I'll make sure to send them to all our immediate and all our somewhat distant family and friends. Oh, and make sure you forget your camera the one night in her life that Billy Sherman talks to her, so that no proof exists of said event.
DAD: Got it.
- - - -
DAD: We should talk very loudly about the truth about Santa Claus.
MOM: Yes, and let's not make any attempt whatsoever to disguise Santa's handwriting from our own.
- - - -
MOM: Let's make sure we avoid the topic of sex so masterfully and so consistently that she begins to wonder if it's something made up by people on TV.
DAD: Good idea. Let's also ignore the existence of any of her long-term boyfriends, no matter how harmless, awkward, and acne-prone they are.
- - - -
MOM: She should never have to worry about money, especially when she's young.
DAD: I agree. That way, she can spend all her time worrying about us getting a divorce.
- - - -
DAD: When I teach her to ride a bike, I will tell her that my hand is on the seat, but then I will take it away just as she is getting the hang of it.
MOM: That will not turn out well.
DAD: No.
- - - -
MOM: I'll make sure to give her a haircut that matches mine. Mine in 1972, that is.
DAD: Great. I'll wear an awkward comb-over.
- - - -
DAD: I think I'll always be a little bit weirder than necessary around her friends. Especially the "cool" ones who are just over to copy notes for Ms. Reardon's AP Physics midterm.
MOM: Sounds good. I'll always talk one decibel louder than a normal person.
- - - -
DAD: She will beg us to get a dog for many, many years.
MOM: And I will repeatedly tell her how I am allergic to animal hair.
DAD: You will wear a fur coat.
- - - -
MOM: Whenever she does something that really upsets me, I'll always make sure to tell her that "her grandmother is rolling over in her grave."
DAD: Even though we will cremate her.
- - - -
DAD: I will demonstrate a total lack of understanding of the proper grammatical way to use quotation marks, and sign every birthday card with "Love."
MOM: That will keep her on her toes.
- - - -
MOM: I think the most important thing is that we will criticize her, no matter what she does or who she becomes.
DAD: And that she knows we criticize her just as much as we criticize each other.
- - - -
DAD: Let's not give her a little brother or sister.
MOM: No. That might function as some sort of coping mechanism.
- - - -
MOM: We can't take her on those classic but trite kid vacations that every other child in the Western world gets to experience, like trips to Disneyland.
DAD: No, for she will gain great popularity and respect from her second-grade classmates when she wears her "I Went to Vermont and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt Made From 100% Recycled Compost-Heap Materials" T-shirt.
- - - -
DAD: We should always give her what she wants.
MOM: That way, we can hold it against her when she's older and can finally provide for herself.
The difference is here you can read it on a yellow background, there it's a white one. It's options like these that make this blog more and more like IKEA every day.
Conversations My Parents Must Have Had While Planning to Raise a Child.
- - - -
DAD: I don't think we should ever talk about feelings.
MOM: Never.
- - - -
DAD: I'll take the greatest number of photographs of her when she's in her most awkward stage, right in the depths of puberty.
MOM: Good idea. I'll make sure to send them to all our immediate and all our somewhat distant family and friends. Oh, and make sure you forget your camera the one night in her life that Billy Sherman talks to her, so that no proof exists of said event.
DAD: Got it.
- - - -
DAD: We should talk very loudly about the truth about Santa Claus.
MOM: Yes, and let's not make any attempt whatsoever to disguise Santa's handwriting from our own.
- - - -
MOM: Let's make sure we avoid the topic of sex so masterfully and so consistently that she begins to wonder if it's something made up by people on TV.
DAD: Good idea. Let's also ignore the existence of any of her long-term boyfriends, no matter how harmless, awkward, and acne-prone they are.
- - - -
MOM: She should never have to worry about money, especially when she's young.
DAD: I agree. That way, she can spend all her time worrying about us getting a divorce.
- - - -
DAD: When I teach her to ride a bike, I will tell her that my hand is on the seat, but then I will take it away just as she is getting the hang of it.
MOM: That will not turn out well.
DAD: No.
- - - -
MOM: I'll make sure to give her a haircut that matches mine. Mine in 1972, that is.
DAD: Great. I'll wear an awkward comb-over.
- - - -
DAD: I think I'll always be a little bit weirder than necessary around her friends. Especially the "cool" ones who are just over to copy notes for Ms. Reardon's AP Physics midterm.
MOM: Sounds good. I'll always talk one decibel louder than a normal person.
- - - -
DAD: She will beg us to get a dog for many, many years.
MOM: And I will repeatedly tell her how I am allergic to animal hair.
DAD: You will wear a fur coat.
- - - -
MOM: Whenever she does something that really upsets me, I'll always make sure to tell her that "her grandmother is rolling over in her grave."
DAD: Even though we will cremate her.
- - - -
DAD: I will demonstrate a total lack of understanding of the proper grammatical way to use quotation marks, and sign every birthday card with "Love."
MOM: That will keep her on her toes.
- - - -
MOM: I think the most important thing is that we will criticize her, no matter what she does or who she becomes.
DAD: And that she knows we criticize her just as much as we criticize each other.
- - - -
DAD: Let's not give her a little brother or sister.
MOM: No. That might function as some sort of coping mechanism.
- - - -
MOM: We can't take her on those classic but trite kid vacations that every other child in the Western world gets to experience, like trips to Disneyland.
DAD: No, for she will gain great popularity and respect from her second-grade classmates when she wears her "I Went to Vermont and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt Made From 100% Recycled Compost-Heap Materials" T-shirt.
- - - -
DAD: We should always give her what she wants.
MOM: That way, we can hold it against her when she's older and can finally provide for herself.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
This Video is Like Where's Waldo
If I were Waldo, and wearing vertical instead of horizontal stripes.
Needless to say, the other, non stripe wearing folks in it, including Seth Herzog, are quite good.
Click here if you're so inclined. I won't know if you don't, though, so no hard feelings.
Needless to say, the other, non stripe wearing folks in it, including Seth Herzog, are quite good.
Click here if you're so inclined. I won't know if you don't, though, so no hard feelings.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
This One Got Me Into Middle School
My 4th Grade, 750 Word Minimum Book Report On The Catcher in the Rye, Written at a Time When I Was Way Too Young to be Reading The Catcher in the Rye and Had Not Actually Read The Catcher in the Rye
For my book report, I decided to read a book named The Catcher in the Rye. The book was written by an author named J.D. Salinger. J.D. Salinger also wrote the books Franny and Zooey and Nine Stories. He did not, however, write The Sound and The Fury. I have not read any of those books or stories, but one day I hope I will. There are many, many books I hope I can read in the future.
The Catcher in the Rye is a very small book. It has a soft cover that is not like a lot of the other books in the library with the hard covers. I think the soft cover books are better because they do not need to be covered like the hard cover books do. Ms. Winchester makes us cover all of the hard cover books we take out from the library. You probably know this, though, because I always see you and Ms. Winchester in the hallway talking when I am at my locker. One time, I saw you passing your fancy silver thermos back and forth in Ms. Winchester's classroom. I think it's really great to have friends to share stuff with. I think that both you and Ms. Winchester would really like the book I wrote my book report on, The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger. I also think Ms. Winchester would like it if I returned the "Jumanji" tape I borrowed from the library in October. I think this because she has left many messages asking for me to return it on our answering machine at home. I think I hear her leaving one right now. RIght now, as I write this book report on The Catcher in the Rye, the book that I read for this book report.
Before, I wrote that there are many books I'd like to read in the future. There really are a lot. "Gone With the Wind" is one. "The Bible" is another. That book has such small print. Even smaller than in J.D. Salinger's The Catcher in the Rye. The Bible. Boy, is that one big hard cover book! One time, my Mom threw a copy of the Bible at my Dad, but she missed and knocked over my American Revolution diorama instead. This is probably why, when I handed it in the next day, you said it, "looked it was put together on the bus on the way to school this morning and that someone had cried all over it."
The Catcher in the Rye is about a boy named Holden Caulfield. He is the one who tells us the story in the book. I think many people enjoy telling stories. For example, my Mom. She loves stories about what her life used to be like, "before you came along." I think my Mom would also enjoy reading J.D. Salinger's The Catcher in the Rye, if she ever gets a moment to herself when she isn't cleaning up the mess that my Dad and I leave around. Oh, did I mention that my Mom also has the same fancy thermos that you and Ms Winchester do? She does.
My Dad really could not get over just how small a book The Catcher in the Rye is. One day, he walked past me and said, "There you are again, sitting on the blue couch, reading The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger. I have seen you sitting there many, many times, reading that book. Yesterday, you were wearing a red shirt, but today it is green. Wow, that book really is very small, that The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger book." My Daddy got laid off last month.
Well, I guess that is all I can write for my book report on The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger as I am fast approaching the 750 word minimum that you warned us not to go over because "they certainly don't pay you overtime for this crap." It is too bad, because I have a lot more to say about this great book . I hope you have enjoyed reading my book report on The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger as much as I enjoyed reading The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger.
And oh, yeah, he says "fuck" a lot.
For my book report, I decided to read a book named The Catcher in the Rye. The book was written by an author named J.D. Salinger. J.D. Salinger also wrote the books Franny and Zooey and Nine Stories. He did not, however, write The Sound and The Fury. I have not read any of those books or stories, but one day I hope I will. There are many, many books I hope I can read in the future.
The Catcher in the Rye is a very small book. It has a soft cover that is not like a lot of the other books in the library with the hard covers. I think the soft cover books are better because they do not need to be covered like the hard cover books do. Ms. Winchester makes us cover all of the hard cover books we take out from the library. You probably know this, though, because I always see you and Ms. Winchester in the hallway talking when I am at my locker. One time, I saw you passing your fancy silver thermos back and forth in Ms. Winchester's classroom. I think it's really great to have friends to share stuff with. I think that both you and Ms. Winchester would really like the book I wrote my book report on, The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger. I also think Ms. Winchester would like it if I returned the "Jumanji" tape I borrowed from the library in October. I think this because she has left many messages asking for me to return it on our answering machine at home. I think I hear her leaving one right now. RIght now, as I write this book report on The Catcher in the Rye, the book that I read for this book report.
Before, I wrote that there are many books I'd like to read in the future. There really are a lot. "Gone With the Wind" is one. "The Bible" is another. That book has such small print. Even smaller than in J.D. Salinger's The Catcher in the Rye. The Bible. Boy, is that one big hard cover book! One time, my Mom threw a copy of the Bible at my Dad, but she missed and knocked over my American Revolution diorama instead. This is probably why, when I handed it in the next day, you said it, "looked it was put together on the bus on the way to school this morning and that someone had cried all over it."
The Catcher in the Rye is about a boy named Holden Caulfield. He is the one who tells us the story in the book. I think many people enjoy telling stories. For example, my Mom. She loves stories about what her life used to be like, "before you came along." I think my Mom would also enjoy reading J.D. Salinger's The Catcher in the Rye, if she ever gets a moment to herself when she isn't cleaning up the mess that my Dad and I leave around. Oh, did I mention that my Mom also has the same fancy thermos that you and Ms Winchester do? She does.
My Dad really could not get over just how small a book The Catcher in the Rye is. One day, he walked past me and said, "There you are again, sitting on the blue couch, reading The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger. I have seen you sitting there many, many times, reading that book. Yesterday, you were wearing a red shirt, but today it is green. Wow, that book really is very small, that The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger book." My Daddy got laid off last month.
Well, I guess that is all I can write for my book report on The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger as I am fast approaching the 750 word minimum that you warned us not to go over because "they certainly don't pay you overtime for this crap." It is too bad, because I have a lot more to say about this great book . I hope you have enjoyed reading my book report on The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger as much as I enjoyed reading The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger.
And oh, yeah, he says "fuck" a lot.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Alternative Headlines, Vol. II
-"Every Person In College, Ever: 'Awkward Sex with Good Friend 'Really Fucking Awkward'"
-"Actress: 'This Must Be What Sex Is Like For Ugly People'"
-"Gary Busey Comments: Sex Scene Went 'Pretty Well'"
-"Right question: Why did I just eat a McDonald's fish filet?"
-"Right question: Can I return this tandem bicycle?"
-"Right question: Who the Hell is Hysterically Crying So Loud? Oh, Right ... It's Me."
-"Stop flying on airplanes, Andy Rooney"
-"LOST Season One DVDs Found to be Significantly Less Enjoyable Mid-Flight"
-"Amtrak Unveils New Travel Discount for Crying Babies and Pathetically Flirtatious Middle Aged Men"
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Why I Write
Two emails I got in response to http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/lists/20JenStatsky.html .
Subject: Toga.
Date: April 5, 2008 4:22:12 AM EDT
To: jas753@nyu.edu
Greeks didn't wear togas.
--
And one minute later, after much thought and deliberation:
Subject: Togas
Date: April 5, 2008 4:23:40 AM EDT
To: jas753@nyu.edu
And neither did Trojans.
--
Amazing.
Subject: Toga.
Date: April 5, 2008 4:22:12 AM EDT
To: jas753@nyu.edu
Greeks didn't wear togas.
--
And one minute later, after much thought and deliberation:
Subject: Togas
Date: April 5, 2008 4:23:40 AM EDT
To: jas753@nyu.edu
And neither did Trojans.
--
Amazing.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
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