How to be Willingly Unemployed
Today, over 8 million people are unemployed in the United States. With our country on the verge of a recession, with hundreds of thousands of people finding themselves needing to foreclose on their mortgages, times are difficult. However, if you are someone who finds yourself unemployed, not due to being unable to find work or some sort of injury, but simply because you are suffering from a self-indulgent, existential life crisis, none of that matters to you! Because you live in la la land, population you. Still, that doesn't mean the willingly unemployed don't need expert tips to help with some of the more difficult challenges that present themselves when one is doing the bare minimum in life to still be considered a human being.
1) Obtain a good, quality pair of sweatpants, preferably grey ones.
Quality means versatility, i.e.sweatpants that can be worn in any and all situations. Those situations include: lying on your bed, lying on your couch, lying in the middle of traffic hoping someone will end your miserable, miserable life, and lying to your friends and family about why you are not worried about not having a job and all the good "writing" you've been getting done lately. Most importantly, the sweatpants MUST have ankles with elastic waste bands. If you wear regular, loose fitting sweatpants, you run the risk of someone from afar thinking that you are wearing jeans and perhaps work at a hip, trendy company without a dress code.
2) Perfect delicate balancing act of self-loathing and self-pity.
There are people who work for soul-sucking, big business corporations who exist solely to make the rich richer and the poor look more like American Apparel models. They will ironically comment that they work for "the Man" and after a few glasses of wine followed by PBR cans (to bring em back to their roots!), these people will perhaps comment on how they dislike themselves for working for such an amoral entity. These people practice self-loathing. Other people, those who have been recently laid off or work for less financially fruitful companies, are entitled to the practice of self-pity. As a member of the unemployed community, you must work incredibly hard (ha! the irony) both to hate the living shit out of yourself and feel an overwhelming sense of pity and empathy for yourself. It sounds easy, but don't get caught in the trap of feeling bad about yourself for days upon days without ever letting a healthy dose of "I'm sucha fucking loser" creep into your inner dialogue. Many people have difficulty with this one, so you may find it helpful to enlist the help of a friend who particularly hates your guts or likes to pretend to sympathize with your BS problems so he or she doesn't really have to put much thought into your friendship. In difficult times, you may find it helpful to call him or her up and ask, "Do I even deserve to breathe air?" A good friend will be there to say, "No, no you do not."
3) Develop cliche relationship with your neighborhood deli employee.
Many unemployed folk will find this tip especially hard because it involves leaving the house. Don't panic; if you have followed step #1, your ankle binding sweats and predictably bad body odor will be a clear indicator to almost all functioning members of society that you are NOT someone who wants to make small talk, give directions, or help them with that nasty tiger bite. Once you have safely made it into your deli, you must make it a point to strike up conversation with the cashier. "Why?", you may ask, since you are a lazy waste of space who doesn't, as previously discussed, deserve to breath (or maybe because things are so hard for you and nothing ever goes your way, it's like there's someone out to get you, etc. etc.) Either way, we know you probably aren't excited about this task, but it is essential. As a member of the unemployed force, you will eventually run out of whatever source income you have been leeching upon so far. And when that happens, you will need to rely on your solid, deep seeded relationship with your neighborhood deli cashier to get you through. If you are able to forge a strong enough bond, he will most likely be lenient when you want "freesies" on your normal diet of pastrami on rye, cheeze puffs, and Red Bull (you don't really need the energy component, you just like the way it tastes, which maybe should have been the first indicator of why you would have difficulty integrating yourself into society.) But, be careful; by "relationship," we don't mean your neighborhood deli worker really should be looked at as a confidant. Never attempt to discuss your job woes or life crises with said person, because guess what? He's WORKING. Like some sort of mythical creature, he gets out of bed in the morning and makes money. What he does have time for is to exchange cliche small talk and good-natured yet somewhat non-sensical banter. A good template for conversation is as follows:
"How's it goin', man?"
"You know how it is."
"Yeah I know. Gotta make the money though. Put it on my tab." (this is humorous, because you are a) at a deli and therefore there is no tab and b) you are unemployed and thus could not pay your tab if it existed)
"OK, will do, boss."
The end.
4) Don't shave. Anywhere, ever. This applies for both males and females. If you must, shave one half of your face and leave the other half with a full beard, then tell others that, in the middle of shaving, you thought, "What's the point?"
5) Prepare to develop an atypical amount of knowledge about reality TV shows. Also, be prepared to fight any glimpses of ambition when, upon watching your twenty-third episode of "The Hills" in a row, you think, "I could do this. I could showcase my stupidity and embarrass myself in front of an entire nation. I should audition." Trust us, you're doing plenty. And you'd look terrible in HD.
Follow these helpful tips and you are sure to find yourself gainfully unemployed for many, many years to come. But remember, let those ankles breath every once and a while! Because your deli buddy is far less likely to help you out with the medical bills for your gout.
