This little guy would have been a far better choice, Obama.
When the Obama logo and presidential seal collide
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
The Presidential Seal
This little guy would have been a far better choice, Obama.
When the Obama logo and presidential seal collide
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Steve Jobs DJ'ed My Bar Mitzvah
Do The Shuffle
One of the most important and most nerve-wracking parts of event planning is music selection. Playing even just one ill-chosen song can scar a young child for life, doom a marriage, or really bring down the mood at a funeral. Well, those worries are a thing of the past, much like books, because Steve Jobs and his posse have done it once again. iTunes' Party Shuffle feature takes the guesswork out of planning the song list or hiring a fancy DJ for your next bar mitzvah, quincineria, or wedding (and by next, I mean first, because you should really be aiming to have only one of all those events.) To demonstrate this technological marvel, I have included a sample of a real-life Party Shuffle playlist selection that my iTunes produced, along with what I feel is a pretty accurate depiction of how the said party would go.
NOTE: This is a 100% authentic, verbatim Party Shuffle list. The list has not been altered in any way. I am not David Blaine; I am not about trickery.
1) "Desperado" by The Eagles
A real classic to kick off the festivities! As the guests begin to arrive, they are greeted by Don Henley telling them that they "better let somebody love them," and there's no better place to do that than one where you find youself surrounded by alcohol and farm animals (you weren't planning to have a party without a petting zoo, were you?) This selection is also the perfect choice for those smooth talkers whose pick up line of choice is the classic, "Don't you think it's cold in the wintertime?"
2) "What You Wish For" by Guster
Neither you nor your party goers will know this song, but the "No, no, I'm telling you, it's O.A.R.!" "No way, it's Dispatch!” dialogue really brings people together.
3) "High and Dry” by Radiohead
And the party continues to rage. Party Shuffle has made another solid move in its selection of one of the many heart-pumping jams of Thom Yorke and co." At this point, it's like, "get a room, people!" Am I right?!
4) "Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough" by Don Henley & Patti Smith
At this point, the party has about as much Don Henley as it does goats, and that’s never a bad thing. A heart-wrenching duet ballad rocks the house as The Don and Patti Smith remind our guests that sometimes love just ain't enough. However, sometimes six Long Island Iced Teas is and an adequate knowledge of modern day politics is, so fingers crossed!
5) "ABC" by The Jackson 5
We know what you’re thinking. The Jackson 5?! A bit of a downer after we've had our spirits lifted with the message of "There's a danger in loving somebody too much", but oh, ye of little faith!. Apple has included a time-sensitive "Bathroom Break" tune, and conveniently planted it in just the right place. But remember, keep an eye on your drink at all times! Those potbelly pigs sure are thirsty.
6) "Buckets of Rain" by Bob Dylan
A mumbling folk singer on an acoustic guitar? Now that's more like it! Don't be alarmed if your party is starting to look an awful lot like MTV's "The Grind" (Spring Break Edition!) Rest assured, all that whipped cream comes out with just a little seltzer water.
7) "Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynard Skynard
This is a particularly well chosen selection for us Yankees, because there is nothing modern day blue state folk like more than throwing their PBR-clutching hands into the air and ironically singing along to a classic rock song about a state that they most likely think was abolished during The Civil War. Kudos to Party Shuffle for entertaining and enlightening the masses. Even The Governor would find it hard not to break into a two step.
8) "Bridge over Troubled Water (LIVE!)" by Simon & Garfunkel
At this point, party goers will surely be begging you to turn up the volume on this bumping beat, but alas, it would be to no avail, because Party Shuffle has wisely chosen a song that was recorded at a volume that only canines can hear. Not surprisingly, the sheepherding dogs in the petting zoo really start to get down at this point.
And ergo, the glory of Party Shuffle. I hope you will employ this wonderful tool for all future party'esque ventures of your own. As for me, it's time to go cry myself to sleep in the fetal position while wearing Converse All Stars, because based on my iTunes library, that is clearly my favorite activity.
One of the most important and most nerve-wracking parts of event planning is music selection. Playing even just one ill-chosen song can scar a young child for life, doom a marriage, or really bring down the mood at a funeral. Well, those worries are a thing of the past, much like books, because Steve Jobs and his posse have done it once again. iTunes' Party Shuffle feature takes the guesswork out of planning the song list or hiring a fancy DJ for your next bar mitzvah, quincineria, or wedding (and by next, I mean first, because you should really be aiming to have only one of all those events.) To demonstrate this technological marvel, I have included a sample of a real-life Party Shuffle playlist selection that my iTunes produced, along with what I feel is a pretty accurate depiction of how the said party would go.
NOTE: This is a 100% authentic, verbatim Party Shuffle list. The list has not been altered in any way. I am not David Blaine; I am not about trickery.
1) "Desperado" by The Eagles
A real classic to kick off the festivities! As the guests begin to arrive, they are greeted by Don Henley telling them that they "better let somebody love them," and there's no better place to do that than one where you find youself surrounded by alcohol and farm animals (you weren't planning to have a party without a petting zoo, were you?) This selection is also the perfect choice for those smooth talkers whose pick up line of choice is the classic, "Don't you think it's cold in the wintertime?"
2) "What You Wish For" by Guster
Neither you nor your party goers will know this song, but the "No, no, I'm telling you, it's O.A.R.!" "No way, it's Dispatch!” dialogue really brings people together.
3) "High and Dry” by Radiohead
And the party continues to rage. Party Shuffle has made another solid move in its selection of one of the many heart-pumping jams of Thom Yorke and co." At this point, it's like, "get a room, people!" Am I right?!
4) "Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough" by Don Henley & Patti Smith
At this point, the party has about as much Don Henley as it does goats, and that’s never a bad thing. A heart-wrenching duet ballad rocks the house as The Don and Patti Smith remind our guests that sometimes love just ain't enough. However, sometimes six Long Island Iced Teas is and an adequate knowledge of modern day politics is, so fingers crossed!
5) "ABC" by The Jackson 5
We know what you’re thinking. The Jackson 5?! A bit of a downer after we've had our spirits lifted with the message of "There's a danger in loving somebody too much", but oh, ye of little faith!. Apple has included a time-sensitive "Bathroom Break" tune, and conveniently planted it in just the right place. But remember, keep an eye on your drink at all times! Those potbelly pigs sure are thirsty.
6) "Buckets of Rain" by Bob Dylan
A mumbling folk singer on an acoustic guitar? Now that's more like it! Don't be alarmed if your party is starting to look an awful lot like MTV's "The Grind" (Spring Break Edition!) Rest assured, all that whipped cream comes out with just a little seltzer water.
7) "Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynard Skynard
This is a particularly well chosen selection for us Yankees, because there is nothing modern day blue state folk like more than throwing their PBR-clutching hands into the air and ironically singing along to a classic rock song about a state that they most likely think was abolished during The Civil War. Kudos to Party Shuffle for entertaining and enlightening the masses. Even The Governor would find it hard not to break into a two step.
8) "Bridge over Troubled Water (LIVE!)" by Simon & Garfunkel
At this point, party goers will surely be begging you to turn up the volume on this bumping beat, but alas, it would be to no avail, because Party Shuffle has wisely chosen a song that was recorded at a volume that only canines can hear. Not surprisingly, the sheepherding dogs in the petting zoo really start to get down at this point.
And ergo, the glory of Party Shuffle. I hope you will employ this wonderful tool for all future party'esque ventures of your own. As for me, it's time to go cry myself to sleep in the fetal position while wearing Converse All Stars, because based on my iTunes library, that is clearly my favorite activity.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
The (HTML) Path to Enlightenment
Today, I checked to see if anyone had registered the URL "http://www.buddha.om"
No one had. Sometimes I wonder about this world. Other times I wonder, "could I pull off a onesie?"
(The answer, by the way, is no, and certainly not at a funeral. Big fashion faux pas. Who knew?)
No one had. Sometimes I wonder about this world. Other times I wonder, "could I pull off a onesie?"
(The answer, by the way, is no, and certainly not at a funeral. Big fashion faux pas. Who knew?)
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
My Mind or Yours, Mencia?
Things I Suspect Carlos Mencia Has Stolen From Me, Other Than Jokes
My original television series concept, entitled, "Central Nervous
System of Mencia"
My drive to succeed beyond being named "Barista of the Month"
five out of the twelve calendar months.
My George Lopez show DVDs.
My conclusion to my five year old dissertation on the necessity and imminent success of the Iraq War.
My ability to love.
My guest spot on Moesha.
My good pen.
My fast metabolism.
My memoir about life as a Honduras-born stand up comedian gaining fame, success, and accusations of plagiarism in the United States.
Twenty-three bucks.
My original television series concept, entitled, "Central Nervous
System of Mencia"
My drive to succeed beyond being named "Barista of the Month"
five out of the twelve calendar months.
My George Lopez show DVDs.
My conclusion to my five year old dissertation on the necessity and imminent success of the Iraq War.
My ability to love.
My guest spot on Moesha.
My good pen.
My fast metabolism.
My memoir about life as a Honduras-born stand up comedian gaining fame, success, and accusations of plagiarism in the United States.
Twenty-three bucks.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
True Life: I'm Really F'n Good at Killing Mosquitos
You know how when a mosquito is flying around and people clap their hands in the air to try to get it, but 99.9% of the time they end up missing and then they're really just clapping randomly, like they're at an Aretha Franklin concert? I don't think anyone ever intends or expects this to actually work, because it's absolutely disgusting when it does.
Well, let me tell you something: when I do it, it works EVERY TIME, and it's both my gift and my curse in life. I feel like the Hulk. Expect instead of me getting angry, it's me getting mosquito insides on my palm, and instead of liking it, I don't.
Yeah. This post is why the internet shouldn't be free. Or why health care should, because I'm pretty sure this is the scurvy talking.
Well, let me tell you something: when I do it, it works EVERY TIME, and it's both my gift and my curse in life. I feel like the Hulk. Expect instead of me getting angry, it's me getting mosquito insides on my palm, and instead of liking it, I don't.
Yeah. This post is why the internet shouldn't be free. Or why health care should, because I'm pretty sure this is the scurvy talking.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Anatomically Speaking
An Erectiley Dysfunctional Penis Speaks Candidly to His Owner
Listen, I just can't do it. Not this time. Not tonight. Stop it, just stop it. Don't touch me. What do you mean "what's wrong with me?" You've got some nerve. I've given you everything I've got. I've been on call, day and night, whether we were at home, at work, on vacation, or even in the men's dressing room at Eddie Bauer (I still can't believe you put those pleated front khakis back on the rack.) For years, I've been like a rock for you. And now this is how you treat me? Like I'm a broken piece of equipment, something you ship off to tech support in India and forget all about? You make me sick. I said don't touch me! You're unbelievable. Well, I'm sorry, mister, but I just can't tonight. I simply cannot become erect for you.
Why is this happening, you ask? Why you? Well, let's think, Nancy Kerrigan. Maybe it's the fact that not ONCE have I ever told you no, or that I was tired, or that maybe I just wanted to veg out on the couch and watch an episode or two of “Top Chef.” Maybe it's the fact that you insist on wearing those damn Spanish cut briefs a size too small (which makes things muy caliente down here, FYI.). Maybe it's the fact that I'm not just some piece of meat, yet you insist on treating me like one. Oh, here we go with the lube again. That's just great. I feel like I've been swimming in a pool of jelly. Speaking of which, that time you went swimming in that pool of jelly? You know very well that I'm mildly allergic to artificial watermelon flavoring and you ... Just. Didn't. Care.
Oh, come on. I'm telling you, it's not gonna happen. Didn't I make this clear? Are you thinking with your brain? You are so selfish. You want to know what our problem is? Well, that's it. You are so selfish, it's suffocating. Even more suffocating than your underwear. You and I, we used to spend time together. A LOT of time together, if I remember correctly, it was literally hours upon hours of quality time together. There were days when you couldn't get enough of me! To be honest, it was a bit much, even for me. Your track record could alleviate a lot of thirteen year old boys’ fears about going blind or not needing to buy winter mittens. But I digress.
Ever since you left Barnes & Noble (where I was perfectly happy, by the way. Thanks for asking.) and took this job as a real estate copywriter, all that has changed. You're some big stud now, huh? Walking around in your fancy, unsoiled chinos, assembling your high class Ikea furniture, wearing a fedora. That's right, you tell her this has never happened before. Tell her how I've never once taken a job lying down! You've become unbearable, you know that? I almost lost it the other day when you told your precious locker room buddies that I'm "a grower, not a shower." You and I both know that's not true. I've NEVER been ashamed of who I am, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let you make me start. Look at you, you're pathetic. You can barely even put together a full sentence. Did you ever think that throwing back five Long Island Iced Teas and one strawberry daiquiri might present a problem for us later on in the evening? You've got less foresight than I've got foresk -- well, you know, it was your Bris, after all.
What?! What did you just say? Did you just tell her that maybe you're just not attracted to her?! Oh, no you do not, mister! You've made me put up with a never-ending barrage of sub-par women these past few months. It's like you've been marching the entire Dove Real Women campaign through your bedroom. And now, you FINALLY manage to fool a somewhat attractive woman (I'd say a young Audrey Hepburn but with a darker complexion, wouldn't you? Lovely cheekbones.) into coming back to your place and you're going to treat her like this? Did you ever think about maybe just talking with her, see what she's interested in, what her goals are, why she insists on wearing that dreadful tube top? No, of course you didn't! Because you don't talk to anyone else. Not even your own anatomy.
Well, there you have it. There she goes. Happy now? Here we are, again, just you and me. All alone, the two of us. I said don't touch me! Are you ... oh my God, are you crying? Listen, I don't ... I didn't mean to hurt you, alright?! It's just that I've felt so awful lately, and maybe it's my own fault, maybe I'm just projecting, I don't know. Stop it, I said don't ... don't touch ... hmm... that feels ... nice … you promise? You promise it will be different this time? I mean it this time, I'm not just going to be here for you whenever you decide you want me. OK, fine, go put in the Designing Women tape ... oh, I don’t know, just one where Delta is extra sassy.
Listen, I just can't do it. Not this time. Not tonight. Stop it, just stop it. Don't touch me. What do you mean "what's wrong with me?" You've got some nerve. I've given you everything I've got. I've been on call, day and night, whether we were at home, at work, on vacation, or even in the men's dressing room at Eddie Bauer (I still can't believe you put those pleated front khakis back on the rack.) For years, I've been like a rock for you. And now this is how you treat me? Like I'm a broken piece of equipment, something you ship off to tech support in India and forget all about? You make me sick. I said don't touch me! You're unbelievable. Well, I'm sorry, mister, but I just can't tonight. I simply cannot become erect for you.
Why is this happening, you ask? Why you? Well, let's think, Nancy Kerrigan. Maybe it's the fact that not ONCE have I ever told you no, or that I was tired, or that maybe I just wanted to veg out on the couch and watch an episode or two of “Top Chef.” Maybe it's the fact that you insist on wearing those damn Spanish cut briefs a size too small (which makes things muy caliente down here, FYI.). Maybe it's the fact that I'm not just some piece of meat, yet you insist on treating me like one. Oh, here we go with the lube again. That's just great. I feel like I've been swimming in a pool of jelly. Speaking of which, that time you went swimming in that pool of jelly? You know very well that I'm mildly allergic to artificial watermelon flavoring and you ... Just. Didn't. Care.
Oh, come on. I'm telling you, it's not gonna happen. Didn't I make this clear? Are you thinking with your brain? You are so selfish. You want to know what our problem is? Well, that's it. You are so selfish, it's suffocating. Even more suffocating than your underwear. You and I, we used to spend time together. A LOT of time together, if I remember correctly, it was literally hours upon hours of quality time together. There were days when you couldn't get enough of me! To be honest, it was a bit much, even for me. Your track record could alleviate a lot of thirteen year old boys’ fears about going blind or not needing to buy winter mittens. But I digress.
Ever since you left Barnes & Noble (where I was perfectly happy, by the way. Thanks for asking.) and took this job as a real estate copywriter, all that has changed. You're some big stud now, huh? Walking around in your fancy, unsoiled chinos, assembling your high class Ikea furniture, wearing a fedora. That's right, you tell her this has never happened before. Tell her how I've never once taken a job lying down! You've become unbearable, you know that? I almost lost it the other day when you told your precious locker room buddies that I'm "a grower, not a shower." You and I both know that's not true. I've NEVER been ashamed of who I am, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let you make me start. Look at you, you're pathetic. You can barely even put together a full sentence. Did you ever think that throwing back five Long Island Iced Teas and one strawberry daiquiri might present a problem for us later on in the evening? You've got less foresight than I've got foresk -- well, you know, it was your Bris, after all.
What?! What did you just say? Did you just tell her that maybe you're just not attracted to her?! Oh, no you do not, mister! You've made me put up with a never-ending barrage of sub-par women these past few months. It's like you've been marching the entire Dove Real Women campaign through your bedroom. And now, you FINALLY manage to fool a somewhat attractive woman (I'd say a young Audrey Hepburn but with a darker complexion, wouldn't you? Lovely cheekbones.) into coming back to your place and you're going to treat her like this? Did you ever think about maybe just talking with her, see what she's interested in, what her goals are, why she insists on wearing that dreadful tube top? No, of course you didn't! Because you don't talk to anyone else. Not even your own anatomy.
Well, there you have it. There she goes. Happy now? Here we are, again, just you and me. All alone, the two of us. I said don't touch me! Are you ... oh my God, are you crying? Listen, I don't ... I didn't mean to hurt you, alright?! It's just that I've felt so awful lately, and maybe it's my own fault, maybe I'm just projecting, I don't know. Stop it, I said don't ... don't touch ... hmm... that feels ... nice … you promise? You promise it will be different this time? I mean it this time, I'm not just going to be here for you whenever you decide you want me. OK, fine, go put in the Designing Women tape ... oh, I don’t know, just one where Delta is extra sassy.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
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