Underheard in New York

"That homeless man just said the NICEST thing to me!"

"Oh, we can just take the G train there."

"You're right. It does remind me of Bermingham."

"It sure has been a while since someone exposed himself to me."

"For a cup of coffee?! What a steal!"

"I just love how close everything is. To New Jersey."

You Know What Would Suck? Volume Two

If your whole life you always wanted a puppy, but your mother kept telling you she was allergic to pet hair so you couldn't get one, so you developed a love of all animals, big and small, and all you ever wanted to do all day, every day was be around animals, and you bought all sorts of sweaters with little cute animals on them, and you had all these big adorable golden retrievers wearing rain boots on your computer wallpaper, and then finally you scored your dream job working at an animal shelter, and on your first day, your very first client bought the cutest little chocolate lab puppy, and then just as he was walking out the door of the shelter with the puppy, he turned around to you and said, "This is is going to be delicious."

Bummer.

You Know What Would Suck? Volume One

If you saved up all your vacation days and took the time off from work and bought a plane ticket to China and got new luggage and you were all vaccinated and found out all your family and friends' T-shirt sizes because you were supposed to be going on a trip to help Youth in Asia, but then you got there, and you found out you were there to help Euthanasia.

Bummer.

What's Love Got To Do With It?

Their house survived Hurricane Ike, but it's the only one left

This house's new nickname? Tina Turner.

Bucket List, Done; On to Groceries

The NewsGroper video I wrote, Hockey Moms Against Sarah Palin, was shown on The O'Reilly Factor tonight. Considering it has long been my life's goal to have a work of mine featured on a program known for being fair, balanced, and hosted by the human equivalent of a public enema (which is, by the way, up for grabs for the name of anyone's next hip hop group), I'm going to start chewing tobacco, eating red meat, and putting my head real close to the microwave, cause I'm done, baby, I'm done!

Don't Say "Too Soon", Because I Waited a Good Ten Minutes Before I Posted This

From News9.com:

"Escapee Caught While Buying Potato Chips

CHANDLER, Okla. -- A convict who escaped from the Lincoln County Jail on Monday was taken into custody Tuesday morning when he went to buy a snack, officials said.

Michael Washburn, 28, escaped from the Lincoln County Jail on Monday during a meeting with his attorney. Washburn recently was sentenced to 20 years in prison for shooting with intent to kill."

Shooting with intent to kill? Well, I guess it really is true. Once you
pop ...

(Don't you look at me like that. When Michael Washburn turns his life around after signing a multi-million dollar sponsorship deal with Pringles, I'm going to feel really great about myself. Until then, I'm off to scream and cry hysterically in a phone booth while it's pouring raining out. First I just have to find a phone booth ... self-loathing sure is tough in this here 21st century!)

Sarah Palin and I Are Getting Dangerously Close to a Locker Room Catfight

Here is a parody of the Kerry Swiftboat attack ads that I pitched/wrote for NewsGroper's new video "joint:"



Hockey Moms Against Sarah Palin

Then, after you watch it, write some snarky comments on it with lots of exclamation points.

In other news, how good is oatmeal? Man.

Turn Those College Loans Into Moans!

There is a girl from Sacramento State college who is going through a legal brothel in Nevada (one-way ticket to Nevada, check!) to sell her virginity in order to earn money for grad school. I kid you not:

"Natalie is a very smart girl. All she wants to do is get her master's degree in family and marriage counseling and be a psychologist. She's selling her virginity to accomplish that," Hof told CBS13. "She's smart enough to sell it. This is empowering her."

Empowering her. Right. I can't imagine why I wouldn't want to go to a family and marriage counselor who SOLD HER VIRGINITY TO SUPPORT HERSELF THROUGH SCHOOL.

Me: "I think my husband has been buying sex from prostitutes."
Dr. Natalie Sheen (she will most definitely be married to Charlie Sheen at this point of her life): "Oh, really? Because I've been thinking of going back to school for theater. Did you know I played Julia Roberts in my high shool's stage production of Pretty Woman?
Me: Could. Have. Guessed.

I actually don't have a problem with someone selling themselves for money. What I DO have a problem with is this chick coming along with a real gimmick'y sell and taking good money and good work away from experienced prostitutes who have been in the game for years and years. Man, is she gonna be hearing it from the union!

Me > Stephen King

HORROR MOVIES OF THE 2008 ELECTION SEASON

McCainia!
The Goodbye Den
Ba(ra)ck to the Future (And In the Future, You're Dead.)
When Palindrones Attack
Cheney: I'm Running for President.

What I'm Masturbating to These Days

Despite the fact that there was not one mention of Mitch Hedberg, this is the best thing I've read since James Joyce's Ulysses. Oh? What's that? What did I think of the thirteenth episode? Um, I meant since I've been planning to read Ulysses. Right.

This Lady Deserves a Swift Check to the Boards

"I guess a small town mayor is sort of like a community organizer, except that you have actual responsibilities." - Sarah Palin

You know how there are bold and an italic font buttons? Well, if there was a big "S" button for snarky, or an "R" for ridiculous, or maybe even a "J" for just shut the fuck up, I would have clicked those for the above quote. But there isn't, so I can't. Maybe I should put it in teal or something. Teal is a really gross color.

Anyway, I'm glad Sarah Palin had the balls (metaphorically, guys!!! She's a woman. A WOMAN!) to finally target the people in America who deserve the most criticism in this election: community organizers. Ugh. Community organizer. The very words together make me ill. Community alone? Great, fine, makes me think of those polygamist villages in Utah. Organizer? Even better, makes me think of a Trapper Keeper. But together?! It sickens me. Just look at these events that were motivated by the laziness and sloth of community organizers of the past:

-The American Revolution
-The American Civil Rights Movement
-Women's Suffrage
-The Gay Rights Movement
-Me not eating my 5th slice of pizza in one nigh - fine, whatever, hour.

If that wasn't enough, do you guys even know some of history's more high-profile community organizers? Probably not, because this is the kind of dirt they like to hide from you. Well, call me Woodward & Bernstein, because take a look at what I've uncovered:

Community Organizers You May Have Heard Of:

-Dorothy Day (Named a "Servant of God" by Pope John Paul II. Nothing says "lazy ass bitch" to me like the word "servant.")

-Jane Addams (First Woman to be awarded Nobel Peace Prize. First WOMAN. She wasn't even the first person. Barf.)

- César Chávez (He is on a U.S. stamp. Regular POSTAL mail? Gross.)

-Martin Luther King, Jr. (The worst one. Do you know how lazy Martin Luther King, Jr. was? First off, he did NOTHING but sleep and talk about his stupid dreams for all I can tell. Then, he just like, died when a bullet entered his body. Can you get any more lazy than that?)

I think I've really illuminated Gov. Palin's point here. Republican, Democrat, or Ralph Nader, everyone can agree on one thing: We can't let those God damn community organizers win.

The Labor Day Comic

When I was but a young girl, I had a Labor Day joke that really, really got my Mom's goat. Every single Labor Day Weekend, I would roll out this zinger and without fail, she would laugh, and laugh, and laugh, and then she would take another quaalude, and then she'd laugh some more. It was rich. Oh Mom, how I miss you. You should call me sometime, seriously. Really, I'm not even mad about the identity theft thing anymore, honest. I even sort of like getting six of the same subscription to Highlights magazine.

Anyway, I thought I would roll out the 'ol Labor Day jokie one more time, see if it plays to this crowd as well as it did to the "reared me out of her uterus" one. Here goes ...

ME: How about Labor Day, huh?!
MOM: Yeah?
ME: You know what I don't get about Labor Day?
MOM: What?
ME: It's called LABOR day ... but nobody works!!!
*gasping for air in between raucous laughter*
ME: Anyone take the subway here?!

That's all for now, kids. Now get back to work ... after all, it's not LABOR DAY!!!!!!!!!!!