I Just Can't Stop With The Halloween Posts

Here's a new piece I have up at Yankee Pot Roast today. Side note, someone who says "here's a new piece" and doesn't find it ironically pretentious is my Halloween costume today.

Link to YPR's flashier, prettier version: My Rejected Submission to Cosmo's Halloween Issue, Entitled "How To Lose a Guy In One Spooky, Scary Night: Halloween Costumes For Those Wanting Out"



Or, Amish version:

My Rejected Submission to Cosmo's Halloween Issue, Entitled "How To Lose a Guy In One Spooky, Scary Night: Halloween Costumes For Those Wanting Out"


The leaves are changing in color, the air is turning crisp and chilly, and you're finding that Jeff from Accounting has a newfound interest in you ever since you got side bangs and stopped eating croissants. All this can only mean one thing: it's time to kick your deadbeat boyfriend to the foliage-covered curb.

Halloween is the perfect time to give that final underwater push to your drowning relationship. The cold weather has arrived, and you'll no longer need a mate so that you'll have someone to accompany you to go get frozen yogurt, summertime's lubricant of love. And you can't get caught waiting too long after the balmy summer days have passed to move on with your life, for delaying the inevitable will bring you closer and closer to the holiday season. No one wants an ex's turkey-coma induced suicide on their conscience; plus, you'll need adequate time to develop your new relationship in time for all the candle lighting and tree trimming festivities. Jeff from Accounting isn't going to spend the first three and a half nights of Hannukah at your parents' place in Connecticut after one lunch date, you know.

So, just how can one effectively and easily end their pitiful excuse for a relationship while keeping her pillow case full of delicious candy and treats, not guilt and remorse? Well, as with anything in life, it all comes down to simply dressing the part. And this time, the part is one of a cold hearted wench of a woman that no man, no matter how low his self esteem or "free" his freelance writing happens to be, would ever consider crawling back to! Without further adieu, we present you with Halloween Costumes To Scare Your Man (Off, Forever.)

-His Slutty Mom

Every man grimaces at the mere thought of any sexual thought involving mommy dearest creeping into his brain. Well, you'll really drive him nuts when you show up at his door, wearing his mother's most favorite puppy-patterned turtleneck turned halter top and wide leg corduroys turned ass-less chaps. You'll have 'ol Oedipus running for the door in no time!

WHAT YOU'LL NEED: Scissors, ex-con and hairpin specialist to gain entry to mother's condo in Westchester

-His Slutty Childhood Golden Retriever

He may be all grown up and almost able to grow facial hair, but your man will always hold a tender spot in his heart for Lucky. Is there any better way to drive your guy to wanting out than conjuring up the image of Lucky in a too-tight tube top and booty shorts?

WHAT YOU'LL NEED: Access to local Forever 21, pictures of Lucky (possibly retrieved from mother's home with above said ex-con and hairpin specialist)

-His Slutty Pregnant Girlfriend

Any decent man will be a bit put off seeing a woman, carrying the gift of life in her blossoming belly, tossing back PBR's, ripping butts, and donning a tramp stamp with her "best guess" at the father's name. Still, he may excuse you for your costume choice, seeing that he loves you, supports you, etc, etc. ... that is, until you tell him that you'll still be sporting that baby bump come November 1st!

WHAT YOU'LL NEED: Expired condoms

-His Slutty Boss That Laid Him Off

The constant reminder of his professional failure and inadequacy will surely have your beau not wanting to come up for air during the apple bobbing portion of the evening!

WHAT YOU'LL NEED: Slacks, Suspenders, Weight problem

-Slutty Hitler (BONUS! Historical Context Costume Crossover)

Works particularly well if your man is of the non-gentile persuasion.

WHAT YOU'LL NEED: Mustache, low-cut Sturmabteilung uniform

-His Slutty Ex-Girlfriend and Jeff from Accounting's Slutty, New Girlfriend

It's you, fucking Jeff from Accounting.

WHAT YOU'LL NEED: His mailing address, Camcorder, Two (or three, depending on Jeff's prowess) U.S. postal stamps

So Many Videos, It's Like That Shoebox Your Dad Keeps In The Shed

Yeah, that's right, I found it!

New Landline video:



Also, remember how it came out that Julia Child worked as a spy for the C.I.A. B in the D (that's back in the day. Sorry, I got all acronym'y.) Well check THIS out ...



Done by very funny comedian Brendan McLaughlin, who may or may not be my friend. OK, fine, he's my friend, but listen guys, I don't put up just ANYONE'S video, OK!? I'm not easy or anything. Oh, what's that? You have a video of your cat thinking there's like, a bug on the floor, but there's not really a bug, but she acts like there's a bug there? Yeah, sure, send me the link.

Halloween is For Lovahs

How Not To Get Laid This Halloween

Many look forward to Halloween for the thrill of coming up with a clever, unique, fun costume to wear to a friend’s party. Others circle October 31st on their calendars with their sights set on delicious candy corn, chocolate bars, and caramel covered apples. And last but not least, some people enjoy this fall holiday because it provides them with another excuse to have random, dirty, promiscuous sex with strangers in costume. Because people seem to have already mastered the whole costume and candy portion of the evening, I’m going to provide you with a bit of a guide to sealing the deal on that last part. Or, rather, I’m going to provide you with a guide as to how NOT to seal it. Without further adieu, I present you with ….

The Top 10 Pickup Lines NOT To Use On Halloween

“You know, last week when I saw you here, I couldn’t even imagine wanting to have sex with you. But now that you have that sheet over your head…”

“That’s a great fat chick costume you’ve got on.”

“You know, I knew there’d be so many scantily clad women walking around tonight, I only masturbated twice today.”

“Yeah, I love Halloween too. Any excuse to hide my face, I’m actually not that attractive.”

“Your boobs look really great in that … oh, I guess you’re just completely naked, huh? Boy, do I love Halloween! So many sluts.”

“My penis is already in costume, too.”

“I just wish random children would come to my house every day of the year!”

“So, I was thinking, I’ve got way more candy than this back at my place, and you sure look like a girl who eats her feelings … “

“Halloween is kinda lame, in my opinion. Do you know how hard it is to get a roofie into a SKOR bar? Oh, no, that’s right, you were in the bathroom.”

*drop pants* “Hallo, it’s my ween!”

"No, really, it's OK. I worked out a deal. I save AIDS babies."

What will St Bono's wife say about him partying with two teenage girls?

Ohhh, Bono, when will you Find What You're Looking For?

Can't you be happy with just One?

Is it just too hard to resist Young Teenage Vagina? Oh, wait, that one's by Coldplay ...

Craig's List will never disappoint

Post title I just came across:

"National Tv Show Looking for Parents Who Spank Their Children"

Also looking for these parents? The department of social services.

How You Know You Need To Step It Up A Bit in the Not-Being-a-Slob Department

At work yesterday, one of our regular customers told me that I looked like I had "walked right out of a wackier version of the LL Bean catalog."

Wackier than wool pants with wool socks, wool covered Crocs and a wool sweater with ironic pictures of sheep on it? Ouch.

New Landline videos, y'all:

Adventures in Entrepreneurism

I want to start a website like Twitter, but it will be called "Shitter" and it will follow people blogging from their bathrooms.

Also, John McCain rolled his eyes more tonight than a 13 year old girl shopping with her mom at Filene's Basement on a Friday night.

These are literally the only two thoughts I had today "worth" blogging about. We really are in a recession.

Don't Worry, "This One's" Not About Sarah Palin

New LandlineTV video:



Also, I lied. It is about Sarah Palin. But lots of people lie, like when you're throwing your best friend a surprise birthday party and just to throw her off the trail you call her and say "I hate you and I was never really your friend, especially when you were real sick in the hospital, I don't care that tonight is your birthday, you smell like a just opened can of tennis balls and I hope you die a fire'y like death, oh yeah also I slept with your boyfriend" and then you go and actually sleep with her boyfriend just so you're not like REALLY a liar. But then, later on everyone's all "YAY! Surprise party!" And she's all "Yay! OMG I had no idea I wish I hadn't drank all this Draino!"

So yeah, I think this is kinda like one of those situations.

Always a Bridesmaid, Never A Teet Suckler

Can you imagine the emotional damage that is going to be done to one of Angelina and Brad's twins when he or she discovers that their breastfeeding wasn't good enough for the cover of W magazine? The years of therapy that kid will have to go through, man. Sucks to be you, forsaken Pitt-Jolie baby!

... Not literally, though! Oh snap! I really stuck it to you, baby-that-won't-be-able-to-read-this-blog-for-seven-years-and-wouldn't-now-even-if-he-could!

MTEh?, Volume One

So let me get this straight: This subway artiste blacked out what I can only imagine were the words "sass" , or maybe "sea bass, or perhaps "bike handle tassles," so that it would read "She's got the ass." Then he blacked out another part of the poster to form the shape of a penis going directly into her mouth region. Also, might I add that this part was done rather hastily with little regard for the nuances of male genitalia. Guess an express train was coming and he had to be in Times Square ASAP to Sharpie a vagina onto Montel Williams' face.

But then, THEN he blacked out her name from where it said "Judge Jeanine," because, hey, no need to disrespect the woman, right?

Fill in the blank: "Just a cell phone?!?! That's it?! That's crazy! You need to get a _____" - My Mother

I posted the "Hockey Moms Against Sarah Palin" video a couple of weeks ago, but you should check out the other really funny LandlineTV videos here:

LandlineTV

This fills my post quota for the day. It required very little thought or effort on my part, which is my favorite kind of post. Also, my favorite kind of unplanned pregnancy.

Nuh Uh! It's OCTOBAAAAAAH?!

Every day, I do the writerly thing of telling myself I need to write, finding something to distract myself from writing for oh, five hours ("boy, that litter box sure does need a fresh coat of paint!"), then lambasting myself for not writing. Though, I do usually give myself some credit for using the word "lambasting."

This got me to thinking about what it would be like if I had to motivate myself to do the things I do every day with ease.

Exhibit A: "Jen, you have to eat a bagel today. No excuses. You want to be slightly rotund, don't you? So just go out, get a bagel, and eat it in all of its delicious butteryness. C'mon, the first bite is always the hardest."

Exhibit B: "Jen, lose your pants in a pile of your own filth. Just get up off the pile of said filth and search around frantically like you just lost your adopted Ethiopian baby in the grocery store. Don't put pressure on yourself to break down into tears about the fact that you are so inept at life that you cannot find your own bottoms ... though, it would be nice."

Exhibit C: "Jen, do not bathe today. Just stay away from water and cleaner of any kind. Don't even go near a candle until you have not bathed."

Exhibit D: "Jen, just do it. Even if it's just for three hours straight, Just. Nap. You have that little index card with "NAP!" written on it above your computer for a reason, don't you? So stop being such a waste of space and NAP! I mean, c'mon, what's the point of going to college for it if you're never even going to attempt to fall asleep mid-afternoon while standing up at your kitchen counter?!"

Ugh. Did this count?