The impulse to use a David Bowie song lyric here is overwhelming ...

So, being February and all, the time for fresh starts and big changes, you may have noticed that I have once again redesigned the look of "Stats 'N Tats," using my advanced knowledge of HTML, web design experience, and ability to click on the little bubbles Blogger provides to change the pre-designed blog templates. Ah, February. Maybe it's silly, but I just love the idea of getting to start anew, another year ahead of me, the promise of change and possibility ever so close.

Wait, what? The year starts in JANUARY?! God dammit. Twenty-three years and I still can't get this shit right.

In other news, I know I have been a little lax on the posting lately. A lot of you, mainly the ones who I either share genes with or have shared jeans with, have complained about that. The other that are not obligated to care about what I do or if I succeed in life, well, you're OK with it I guess! But I am going to try to be better about it. This country has been through enough in recent months, and the last thing its fine people need is me to take away my hilarity and wit from them.

I wish I could say that my absence from blogging has been due to some really wonderful projects I've been working on, but I just can't say that. Some people (who I won't mention due to legal reasons, but let's just say he's a Scientologist and his name rhymes with "Tom Cruise") are so secretive about the stuff they are working on, especially if the project is a sequel to one of the greatest movies to ever be set in a bar/houseboat in the 80s. But I guess you have to put up with some crap to get "Cocktail: This Time, Make It a Double" made.

I also am considering that 2009 be the year of "Stats 'N Tats: This Time, It's Personal." I feel like I'm ready to really show my readers, who are already my closest friends and family members, who I really am. So let me delve into a little bit about my personal life these days ...

I'm contemplating buying an Amazon Kindle. Let me be honest, I don't even really know what a Kindle is. It either sounds like something your grandmother would tell you about using to keep warm during the early 1900s, or the newest dildo on the market (which I guess are the same thing, anyway.)

The thing is, when I searched for "kindle" on Amazon.com, the first result it gives me is "The Complete User's Guide to the Amazing Amazon Kindle" by Stephen Windwalker. Which is a paperback book. That's great, Amazon. Isn't the whole point of a Kindle that I don't NEED to read paperback books? That is like getting a boyfriend and still going to the gym. You do one thing to eliminate the other, not both.

Then it has a link to the Amazon Kindle Store, where the sublinks tell me I can buy "Kindle Books, Kindle Magazines, Kindle Accessories, Kindle Newspapers, or Kindle Blogs." Again, superb, Amazon.com. Because all of those things will be very much so worth my time and money without the actual Kindle product.

Anyway, you get the point. Amazon.com needs someone to work on their search engine results. No big deal. But, just as I was about to close out the window and go back to googling my own name, I saw result #10:



Kudos to you, Rick Munarriz. You wrote "Why The Kindle Will Fail" as a KINDLE BOOK. You jackass! And, you managed to squeeze your work in right before number 11, "The Uncensored Amazon Kindle Buyer's Book." God knows that censored version left me crying for more. Oh, and number 12, which I'm pretty sure deserves a picture as well:



I was pretty positive that anyone who owns a Kindle and uses it to purchase "The Low Down on Going Down" would need more than this guide to sufficiently please a woman, but then I ventured over to the reviews, and found this gem from "Papi Lopez":

"after completely reading this book it gave me the urge to romanticize my lover Ling Ling all night till morning long. this book illustrates the ins and outs of master the way of the tongue. it shows how to use the vibrant tongue muscles that i never knew i had. now i get to taste the oh so sweet nector of Ling Ling which is the ultimate cloud 9 in my life. Ling Ling can't get enough of my vibrant tongue. when i get home from work she is preparing herself for me to go down on her. i think i'm going to have throw away my gym membership because i get all the workout at home nowadays. Man this book is so great! =)"

"Now I get to taste the oh so sweet nectar of Ling Ling which is the ultimate cloud 9 in my life." Has there ever been a better book review, anywhere, ever? Harold Bloom's got nothing on this Papi Lopez.