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Thursday, February 12, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Disturbia'ing
Anyone else think this picture was a really poor choice by the UK's Telegraph online site to run about the Chris Brown/Rihanna domestic abuse story? He looks like he is auditioning for a bit part on "True Blood," and she looks like a naive little doe who doesn't deserve to have a kiss blown at her too hard. So much for objective journalism! Then again, what do British newspapers know, anyway? I hear they deliver their papers on the wrong side of the road!
Ziiiiiing!
Friday, February 6, 2009
It's Not You, It's Your Jeans
This one got a big 'ol rejection from McSweeney's, but it did get accepted at jenstatsky.com, so I'm feeling pretty good about myself ...
"A 25-Year Old Fashionista Holds an Intervention for her Boyfriend and his Skinny Jeans"
Hi, honey! How was work? That’s nice. Yeah, it was ham. Oh, what’s up with all the empty chairs? Well ... I just thought I’d try something new in the living room today! OK, OK, why don’t you have a seat, I have something I need to talk to you about. Yeah, any one of them is fine. But, oh, careful, I don’t get the security deposit back from the rental place if they’re all scuffed up.
This is an intervention. I know there’s no one else here and that’s kinda a standard intervention “thing,” but I’ve gotta tell you, I’ve been trying to organize everyone for weeks now and no one’s calendars ever seemed to match up. It’s crazy, we are all so busy. Todd’s doing that freelance design work until the holidays and just doesn’t have a minute to spare, Craig and Jessie just got the puppy – which we have to go see before he gets too big – so their hands are tied. Nick emailed me last minute to say that he pulled a groin muscle – of all things for Nick to pull, right? – at the gym, so he couldn’t show, and it was so weird with Leslie, she never answered any of my texts, but she said her phone is really weird about that stuff, especially when she’s been on the subway or whatever, so I don’t know. I keep telling her to get a Blackberry – well, I guess I keep texting her to get a Blackberry, so now I don’t even know - but she likes her big ugly old phone, and you know how she doesn’t listen to anyone else, like, ever. Oh my God, do you remember the other day, when we were at brunch and Jeff called it the “Zack Morris?” How funny was that?! You remember that, right? Sooo funny. Jeff really should do stand up. I keep telling hin.
But I know from everyone’s responses to the mass e-mail I sent that they’re with me on this, and more importantly, they want you to know that they’re behind you. Well, I guess that’s a good place for me to start … from behind you. What everyone sees when they’re behind you. Honey, it’s your jeans. Your skinny jeans. Your ass tight skinny jeans. They’re just too … tight. And skinny. Other than that, I guess they’re OK, although you probably could have picked a more flattering wash.
No one is blaming you here. It’s not your fault that you probably said, “hey, these are pretty popular, Orlando Bloom looks great in them, I’ll buy a pair.” But honey, Orlando Bloom is an ectomorph, and you’re a mesomorph. Do you know what a difference that makes? You guys shouldn’t even really be shopping at the same store, let alone the same rack.
Baby, the thing is, I’m really not going to be one of those overbearing girlfriends who tries to run your life … but do you remember your Mom’s birthday last month, when I told you you had to come to my cousin Lisa’s house for her Arbor Day barbeque? Well, we were all playing Bocce Ball in the backyard? Well, you wore your skinny jeans, and every time you bent down, you had muffin top. You know, when the fat spills out the side of your jeans and it looks like … yeah, OK, well you get it. I don’t have muffin top, and I’m a girl, honey. It’s weird for a guy to have muffin top. It’s like seeing him order strawberry ice cream, or cry.
You’re speechless, I know. It’s really hard hearing someone tell you what you’ve been doing, fashion-wise, is hideously inappropriate for your body type. And when I say I know, I mean I really know. Remember my ex-friend Kristen? One time she told me that she liked my hair better wavy than straight. And I had been wearing my hair wavy for, like, two years. You should feel good about the fact that you’ve only been wearing skinny jeans for about three and a half months. And I know that it’s been that long, because it was right after my birthday, and I remember thinking, “ugh, first twenty-five, and now this?”
Sweetie, where are you going? Oh, okay. Great. That’s perfect. You just pack those skinny jeans right up and we’ll bring them to the Salvation Army on the way to the mall. God knows someone there will be skinny enough to pull them off! No, I’m totally kidding, that was bad.
Wait, honey, you don’t have to get rid of your other clothes too, those are fin – hey, don’t be silly, we can just throw them in a trash bag, you don’t need to use your big old suitcase!
Oh, oh, okay, you want to go alone, that’s fine. Don’t worry about the chairs you knocked over, I can pick them up! I’m so proud of you!
Hey, babe?! Could you pick me up some strawberry ice cream while you’re at the mall?
"A 25-Year Old Fashionista Holds an Intervention for her Boyfriend and his Skinny Jeans"
Hi, honey! How was work? That’s nice. Yeah, it was ham. Oh, what’s up with all the empty chairs? Well ... I just thought I’d try something new in the living room today! OK, OK, why don’t you have a seat, I have something I need to talk to you about. Yeah, any one of them is fine. But, oh, careful, I don’t get the security deposit back from the rental place if they’re all scuffed up.
This is an intervention. I know there’s no one else here and that’s kinda a standard intervention “thing,” but I’ve gotta tell you, I’ve been trying to organize everyone for weeks now and no one’s calendars ever seemed to match up. It’s crazy, we are all so busy. Todd’s doing that freelance design work until the holidays and just doesn’t have a minute to spare, Craig and Jessie just got the puppy – which we have to go see before he gets too big – so their hands are tied. Nick emailed me last minute to say that he pulled a groin muscle – of all things for Nick to pull, right? – at the gym, so he couldn’t show, and it was so weird with Leslie, she never answered any of my texts, but she said her phone is really weird about that stuff, especially when she’s been on the subway or whatever, so I don’t know. I keep telling her to get a Blackberry – well, I guess I keep texting her to get a Blackberry, so now I don’t even know - but she likes her big ugly old phone, and you know how she doesn’t listen to anyone else, like, ever. Oh my God, do you remember the other day, when we were at brunch and Jeff called it the “Zack Morris?” How funny was that?! You remember that, right? Sooo funny. Jeff really should do stand up. I keep telling hin.
But I know from everyone’s responses to the mass e-mail I sent that they’re with me on this, and more importantly, they want you to know that they’re behind you. Well, I guess that’s a good place for me to start … from behind you. What everyone sees when they’re behind you. Honey, it’s your jeans. Your skinny jeans. Your ass tight skinny jeans. They’re just too … tight. And skinny. Other than that, I guess they’re OK, although you probably could have picked a more flattering wash.
No one is blaming you here. It’s not your fault that you probably said, “hey, these are pretty popular, Orlando Bloom looks great in them, I’ll buy a pair.” But honey, Orlando Bloom is an ectomorph, and you’re a mesomorph. Do you know what a difference that makes? You guys shouldn’t even really be shopping at the same store, let alone the same rack.
Baby, the thing is, I’m really not going to be one of those overbearing girlfriends who tries to run your life … but do you remember your Mom’s birthday last month, when I told you you had to come to my cousin Lisa’s house for her Arbor Day barbeque? Well, we were all playing Bocce Ball in the backyard? Well, you wore your skinny jeans, and every time you bent down, you had muffin top. You know, when the fat spills out the side of your jeans and it looks like … yeah, OK, well you get it. I don’t have muffin top, and I’m a girl, honey. It’s weird for a guy to have muffin top. It’s like seeing him order strawberry ice cream, or cry.
You’re speechless, I know. It’s really hard hearing someone tell you what you’ve been doing, fashion-wise, is hideously inappropriate for your body type. And when I say I know, I mean I really know. Remember my ex-friend Kristen? One time she told me that she liked my hair better wavy than straight. And I had been wearing my hair wavy for, like, two years. You should feel good about the fact that you’ve only been wearing skinny jeans for about three and a half months. And I know that it’s been that long, because it was right after my birthday, and I remember thinking, “ugh, first twenty-five, and now this?”
Sweetie, where are you going? Oh, okay. Great. That’s perfect. You just pack those skinny jeans right up and we’ll bring them to the Salvation Army on the way to the mall. God knows someone there will be skinny enough to pull them off! No, I’m totally kidding, that was bad.
Wait, honey, you don’t have to get rid of your other clothes too, those are fin – hey, don’t be silly, we can just throw them in a trash bag, you don’t need to use your big old suitcase!
Oh, oh, okay, you want to go alone, that’s fine. Don’t worry about the chairs you knocked over, I can pick them up! I’m so proud of you!
Hey, babe?! Could you pick me up some strawberry ice cream while you’re at the mall?
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
25 Fascinating Facts About Me
1) I have legs.
2) As a child, I liked candy and giggling.
3) When someone close to me dies, I cry.
4) Often, on two consecutive evenings at the conclusion of the work week, I will drink more alcohol than recommended for my body weight. I will then become inebriated, allowing me to free myself from my inhibitions and feel more comfortable in social situations that would otherwise be awkward for me.
5) I love my grandma.
6) When I'm angry, I curse.
7) My blood type contains a letter.
8) I can text message.
9) When I go out to eat at a restaurant, I will pay my bill, and then, on top of that, I will give my waiter or waitress some extra cash.
10) Before I go out for a night on the town, I put on different clothes than what I was previously wearing that day.
11) Sometimes, I will use go on the internet with no specific purpose, and let myself wander from site to site, not doing anything of actual value or productive.
12) If my body does not get water, I die.
13) I think babies and puppies are pretty cute.
14) I have many, many memories involving people with whom I grew up.
15) When I am out with my girlfriends at a bar, club, or party, I will make a fake fishy face when posing for pictures, as to make my face appear skinnier and more attractive. I think that no one has caught on to this.
16) When I'm cold, I will put on a jacket, or a blanket, depending on where I am.
17) I get sad if my own father forgets my birthday.
18) I think Europe is really just amazing.
19) I can grow hair.
20) It would be very traumatic for me to see someone get their arm bitten off by a pack of angry muskrats.
21) I like to listen to music.
22) Once, in high school, I took the SATs.
23) If I am watching TV, and all of a sudden my remote stops working, I will press all the buttons really hard. If that doesn't work, I will hit the remote a few times with the palm of my hand. If that doesn't work, I will replace the batteries.
24) I'm not a lesbian, but no, like, seriously, I would have sex with Angelina Jolie.
25) On the third Sunday of every month, I will dress up in a black-and-white striped leotard, rent a salmon colored PT cruiser from my local Budget Rent-a-Car, buy a few dozen boxes of veggie burgers from local grocer, head down Route 1 all the way to South Carolina, stopping at every McDonald's rest stop along the way, at which point I frisbee-toss a veggie burger pattie at the drive through window attendant and exclaim, "Who's the Hamburglar now, Mr. Roboto?!?" Then I listen to The Beatles, because they are my favorite band of all time.
2) As a child, I liked candy and giggling.
3) When someone close to me dies, I cry.
4) Often, on two consecutive evenings at the conclusion of the work week, I will drink more alcohol than recommended for my body weight. I will then become inebriated, allowing me to free myself from my inhibitions and feel more comfortable in social situations that would otherwise be awkward for me.
5) I love my grandma.
6) When I'm angry, I curse.
7) My blood type contains a letter.
8) I can text message.
9) When I go out to eat at a restaurant, I will pay my bill, and then, on top of that, I will give my waiter or waitress some extra cash.
10) Before I go out for a night on the town, I put on different clothes than what I was previously wearing that day.
11) Sometimes, I will use go on the internet with no specific purpose, and let myself wander from site to site, not doing anything of actual value or productive.
12) If my body does not get water, I die.
13) I think babies and puppies are pretty cute.
14) I have many, many memories involving people with whom I grew up.
15) When I am out with my girlfriends at a bar, club, or party, I will make a fake fishy face when posing for pictures, as to make my face appear skinnier and more attractive. I think that no one has caught on to this.
16) When I'm cold, I will put on a jacket, or a blanket, depending on where I am.
17) I get sad if my own father forgets my birthday.
18) I think Europe is really just amazing.
19) I can grow hair.
20) It would be very traumatic for me to see someone get their arm bitten off by a pack of angry muskrats.
21) I like to listen to music.
22) Once, in high school, I took the SATs.
23) If I am watching TV, and all of a sudden my remote stops working, I will press all the buttons really hard. If that doesn't work, I will hit the remote a few times with the palm of my hand. If that doesn't work, I will replace the batteries.
24) I'm not a lesbian, but no, like, seriously, I would have sex with Angelina Jolie.
25) On the third Sunday of every month, I will dress up in a black-and-white striped leotard, rent a salmon colored PT cruiser from my local Budget Rent-a-Car, buy a few dozen boxes of veggie burgers from local grocer, head down Route 1 all the way to South Carolina, stopping at every McDonald's rest stop along the way, at which point I frisbee-toss a veggie burger pattie at the drive through window attendant and exclaim, "Who's the Hamburglar now, Mr. Roboto?!?" Then I listen to The Beatles, because they are my favorite band of all time.
The impulse to use a David Bowie song lyric here is overwhelming ...
So, being February and all, the time for fresh starts and big changes, you may have noticed that I have once again redesigned the look of "Stats 'N Tats," using my advanced knowledge of HTML, web design experience, and ability to click on the little bubbles Blogger provides to change the pre-designed blog templates. Ah, February. Maybe it's silly, but I just love the idea of getting to start anew, another year ahead of me, the promise of change and possibility ever so close.
Wait, what? The year starts in JANUARY?! God dammit. Twenty-three years and I still can't get this shit right.
In other news, I know I have been a little lax on the posting lately. A lot of you, mainly the ones who I either share genes with or have shared jeans with, have complained about that. The other that are not obligated to care about what I do or if I succeed in life, well, you're OK with it I guess! But I am going to try to be better about it. This country has been through enough in recent months, and the last thing its fine people need is me to take away my hilarity and wit from them.
I wish I could say that my absence from blogging has been due to some really wonderful projects I've been working on, but I just can't say that. Some people (who I won't mention due to legal reasons, but let's just say he's a Scientologist and his name rhymes with "Tom Cruise") are so secretive about the stuff they are working on, especially if the project is a sequel to one of the greatest movies to ever be set in a bar/houseboat in the 80s. But I guess you have to put up with some crap to get "Cocktail: This Time, Make It a Double" made.
I also am considering that 2009 be the year of "Stats 'N Tats: This Time, It's Personal." I feel like I'm ready to really show my readers, who are already my closest friends and family members, who I really am. So let me delve into a little bit about my personal life these days ...
I'm contemplating buying an Amazon Kindle. Let me be honest, I don't even really know what a Kindle is. It either sounds like something your grandmother would tell you about using to keep warm during the early 1900s, or the newest dildo on the market (which I guess are the same thing, anyway.)
The thing is, when I searched for "kindle" on Amazon.com, the first result it gives me is "The Complete User's Guide to the Amazing Amazon Kindle" by Stephen Windwalker. Which is a paperback book. That's great, Amazon. Isn't the whole point of a Kindle that I don't NEED to read paperback books? That is like getting a boyfriend and still going to the gym. You do one thing to eliminate the other, not both.
Then it has a link to the Amazon Kindle Store, where the sublinks tell me I can buy "Kindle Books, Kindle Magazines, Kindle Accessories, Kindle Newspapers, or Kindle Blogs." Again, superb, Amazon.com. Because all of those things will be very much so worth my time and money without the actual Kindle product.
Anyway, you get the point. Amazon.com needs someone to work on their search engine results. No big deal. But, just as I was about to close out the window and go back to googling my own name, I saw result #10:
Kudos to you, Rick Munarriz. You wrote "Why The Kindle Will Fail" as a KINDLE BOOK. You jackass! And, you managed to squeeze your work in right before number 11, "The Uncensored Amazon Kindle Buyer's Book." God knows that censored version left me crying for more. Oh, and number 12, which I'm pretty sure deserves a picture as well:
I was pretty positive that anyone who owns a Kindle and uses it to purchase "The Low Down on Going Down" would need more than this guide to sufficiently please a woman, but then I ventured over to the reviews, and found this gem from "Papi Lopez":
"after completely reading this book it gave me the urge to romanticize my lover Ling Ling all night till morning long. this book illustrates the ins and outs of master the way of the tongue. it shows how to use the vibrant tongue muscles that i never knew i had. now i get to taste the oh so sweet nector of Ling Ling which is the ultimate cloud 9 in my life. Ling Ling can't get enough of my vibrant tongue. when i get home from work she is preparing herself for me to go down on her. i think i'm going to have throw away my gym membership because i get all the workout at home nowadays. Man this book is so great! =)"
"Now I get to taste the oh so sweet nectar of Ling Ling which is the ultimate cloud 9 in my life." Has there ever been a better book review, anywhere, ever? Harold Bloom's got nothing on this Papi Lopez.
Wait, what? The year starts in JANUARY?! God dammit. Twenty-three years and I still can't get this shit right.
In other news, I know I have been a little lax on the posting lately. A lot of you, mainly the ones who I either share genes with or have shared jeans with, have complained about that. The other that are not obligated to care about what I do or if I succeed in life, well, you're OK with it I guess! But I am going to try to be better about it. This country has been through enough in recent months, and the last thing its fine people need is me to take away my hilarity and wit from them.
I wish I could say that my absence from blogging has been due to some really wonderful projects I've been working on, but I just can't say that. Some people (who I won't mention due to legal reasons, but let's just say he's a Scientologist and his name rhymes with "Tom Cruise") are so secretive about the stuff they are working on, especially if the project is a sequel to one of the greatest movies to ever be set in a bar/houseboat in the 80s. But I guess you have to put up with some crap to get "Cocktail: This Time, Make It a Double" made.
I also am considering that 2009 be the year of "Stats 'N Tats: This Time, It's Personal." I feel like I'm ready to really show my readers, who are already my closest friends and family members, who I really am. So let me delve into a little bit about my personal life these days ...
I'm contemplating buying an Amazon Kindle. Let me be honest, I don't even really know what a Kindle is. It either sounds like something your grandmother would tell you about using to keep warm during the early 1900s, or the newest dildo on the market (which I guess are the same thing, anyway.)
The thing is, when I searched for "kindle" on Amazon.com, the first result it gives me is "The Complete User's Guide to the Amazing Amazon Kindle" by Stephen Windwalker. Which is a paperback book. That's great, Amazon. Isn't the whole point of a Kindle that I don't NEED to read paperback books? That is like getting a boyfriend and still going to the gym. You do one thing to eliminate the other, not both.
Then it has a link to the Amazon Kindle Store, where the sublinks tell me I can buy "Kindle Books, Kindle Magazines, Kindle Accessories, Kindle Newspapers, or Kindle Blogs." Again, superb, Amazon.com. Because all of those things will be very much so worth my time and money without the actual Kindle product.
Anyway, you get the point. Amazon.com needs someone to work on their search engine results. No big deal. But, just as I was about to close out the window and go back to googling my own name, I saw result #10:
Kudos to you, Rick Munarriz. You wrote "Why The Kindle Will Fail" as a KINDLE BOOK. You jackass! And, you managed to squeeze your work in right before number 11, "The Uncensored Amazon Kindle Buyer's Book." God knows that censored version left me crying for more. Oh, and number 12, which I'm pretty sure deserves a picture as well:
I was pretty positive that anyone who owns a Kindle and uses it to purchase "The Low Down on Going Down" would need more than this guide to sufficiently please a woman, but then I ventured over to the reviews, and found this gem from "Papi Lopez":
"after completely reading this book it gave me the urge to romanticize my lover Ling Ling all night till morning long. this book illustrates the ins and outs of master the way of the tongue. it shows how to use the vibrant tongue muscles that i never knew i had. now i get to taste the oh so sweet nector of Ling Ling which is the ultimate cloud 9 in my life. Ling Ling can't get enough of my vibrant tongue. when i get home from work she is preparing herself for me to go down on her. i think i'm going to have throw away my gym membership because i get all the workout at home nowadays. Man this book is so great! =)"
"Now I get to taste the oh so sweet nectar of Ling Ling which is the ultimate cloud 9 in my life." Has there ever been a better book review, anywhere, ever? Harold Bloom's got nothing on this Papi Lopez.
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hit counter Hits and self esteem are positively correlated, so please click "reload." My neighbors, who will benefit from a significant increase in the number of Haagen-Dazs pints available to them at our corner deli, thank you. And I do, too.