Time Warner has got my balls in quite the death grip and alas, I am waiting for the cable guy this fine Tuesday morning. Not that exciting. What IS exciting is the Pandora station I currently have going ... If you are ever really down, like if you've had a tough Monday, or they were out of peanut butter Twix bars at the bodega, or a close family member has passed, I suggest creating a Hall & Oates station on Pandora. Instant gratification. So far, I have heard "You Make Me Feel Like Dancing" by Leo Sayer, "It Ain't Over 'Til It's Over" by Lenny Kravitz (who will be my next station, by the way), and "The Heart of Rock & Roll" by Huey Lewis & The News.
I sorta hope the cable man never comes ...
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Battle-Ax. Damn Straight.
Bea Arthur, TV Battle-Ax, Dies at 86
This is a hard pill to swallow. See you on the other side, Dorothy.
This is a hard pill to swallow. See you on the other side, Dorothy.
Friday, April 24, 2009
So That Happened
I was walking down the sidewalk the other day when I was stopped by a reporter for AM New York (aka the intern who was the best at getting lattes and got a special end-of-week treat) who said he was doing a report on "whether people are becoming more and more narcissistic."
I kid you not, at the time I was thinking about my hair and if my new conditioner made it look shiny or greasy.
Yep.
I kid you not, at the time I was thinking about my hair and if my new conditioner made it look shiny or greasy.
Yep.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
One Step Closer To Living My Dream of Being In "Dead Poets Society"
Last night, I received an email asking for permission to reprint my latest McSweeney's article in "Backtracks," which is a student-run publication at Phillips Academy in Andover, Massachusetts. Yes. You heard me. ANDOVER, MASSACHUSETTS!!! The cultural hot bed of .... other towns around Andover, Massachusetts. This is VERY exciting. I will be intellectual masturbatory material for dozens and dozens of literary journal-reading, bowtie-wearing prep school overachievers. I am like Racquel Welch, but in word-form.
Here's a new Landline video, which does not feature Racquel Welch. She was strongly considered for the role of "homeless man," but her boobies are just too darn big! Also, she's SAG-eligible or some shit.
Here's a new Landline video, which does not feature Racquel Welch. She was strongly considered for the role of "homeless man," but her boobies are just too darn big! Also, she's SAG-eligible or some shit.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
New McSweeney's
New thang of mine over at McSweeney's:
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2009/4/10statsky.html
CLASSIC NURSERY RHYMES, UPDATED AND REVAMPED FOR THE RECESSION, AS TOLD TO ME BY MY FATHER.
BY JEN STATSKY
- - - -
Jack and Jill
OK, so Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water. But, listen, even water is expensive nowadays. So Jack just innocently asked, "Do you really have to wash your hair every night?" Then, of course, they started getting into it, and Jill became pretty damn passive-aggressive, and unnecessarily, I might add. So then Jack fell down—maybe on accident, maybe on purpose—and he broke his crown. And, with no health insurance, they were both shit outta luck.
Humpty Dumpty
Sure, in a perfect world, we'd all help put Humpty Dumpty back together, whether we were on the king's payroll or not. There's no question about that. But the world isn't lilacs and lollipops anymore, kid. I can barely afford all your mother's pill ... pillows, all the pillows she insists on sleeping with at night. So, if there's some sort of freak accident with a wall? Forget about it. But everyone needs to take a certain level of responsibility for themselves in a time like this, and let's face it: Humpty was carrying—what, 20, 30 extra el-bees on him? That's just reckless. I don't care if you are the king, you can't cover that premium and sleep easy at night.
Old Mother Hubbard
If you want to talk about being irresponsible, this Mother Hubbard is the Cadillac of not thinking about anyone but herself. What is this old woman doing owning a pet in this economy in the first place? You know she's tearing through her retirement funds like nobody's business, so of course her cupboards are bare, cupboards that are probably made of mahogany with gold-plated handles, since people believed in unicorns before they believed that this bubble would ever pop. But, OK, it doesn't all fall on her. Where are her kids? You work hard to raise children, set them up nice in the world, and once times get a little tougher than usual they abandon you. Well, I feel sorry for that damn dog. He's the only innocent one in this whole stinkin' mess.
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star
"Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are. Up above the world so high, like a diamond in the sky ..." Ha! A diamond. Give me a break. The only place anyone's going to see a diamond nowadays is in a geometry book. And, if some guy proposes to you and shows you some ring with a shiny rock, you run the other way. And fast. Like a gazelle. Because he's mixed up in some kind of silly racket, let me tell you.
Jack Be Nimble
Jack is clearly on drugs. And, sure, the temptation to do some uppers and escape from all this lousy stuff is there. I'm not immune to that; I'm a human being. But, honey, look where it gets you. You spend your days jumping over some candlestick like some sort of circus monkey, but who's taking care of your family? Jack's probably got three kids wearing Ziploc bags for mittens and banging pots and pans on the subway to make a dime. It just ain't right.
Rock-a-Bye Baby
It's sick, it's freakin' sick, honey. I couldn't hold down a tuna melt for days after hearing this one. But it's the sad truth in times like these. People get desperate, they don't know what to do or where to turn, and they do twisted things, like putting some poor, defenseless baby up on a rickety tree branch. Priorities, that's the real problem here. People get their priorities all out of whack, and we end up in a situation like this. Why did they need some fancy rocking cradle in the first place? People get so caught up with image they never stop to think that maybe that poor little kid would have rather just been held in his or her own parents' arms, instead of some high-tech Sears and Roebuck baby palace.
Little Bo Peep
Now, I didn't do none of that collegiate stuff that everyone does nowadays, which I think was the start of this whole mess in the first place, but I'm pretty sure the lost sheep are meant to symbolize hope, promise, and, more specifically, the American dream. I like that part, I do. You can relate to it. But then this Bo Peep chick falls asleep, and at first I said, "Whoa there. Are you trying to say that Americans collectively took a nap at the wheel of the vehicle of their own success and prosperity?" Harsh stuff. But then I thought more about it, and you know what? That's exactly what we did. And, sure, we were following the crooked street signs put up by the banks and investment firms, but that's no excuse to go on autopilot. So, you know, I like this Bo Peep one very much.
There Was an Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe
Yep, sounds about right to me. But, for the love of God, use a rubber.
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2009/4/10statsky.html
CLASSIC NURSERY RHYMES, UPDATED AND REVAMPED FOR THE RECESSION, AS TOLD TO ME BY MY FATHER.
BY JEN STATSKY
- - - -
Jack and Jill
OK, so Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water. But, listen, even water is expensive nowadays. So Jack just innocently asked, "Do you really have to wash your hair every night?" Then, of course, they started getting into it, and Jill became pretty damn passive-aggressive, and unnecessarily, I might add. So then Jack fell down—maybe on accident, maybe on purpose—and he broke his crown. And, with no health insurance, they were both shit outta luck.
Humpty Dumpty
Sure, in a perfect world, we'd all help put Humpty Dumpty back together, whether we were on the king's payroll or not. There's no question about that. But the world isn't lilacs and lollipops anymore, kid. I can barely afford all your mother's pill ... pillows, all the pillows she insists on sleeping with at night. So, if there's some sort of freak accident with a wall? Forget about it. But everyone needs to take a certain level of responsibility for themselves in a time like this, and let's face it: Humpty was carrying—what, 20, 30 extra el-bees on him? That's just reckless. I don't care if you are the king, you can't cover that premium and sleep easy at night.
Old Mother Hubbard
If you want to talk about being irresponsible, this Mother Hubbard is the Cadillac of not thinking about anyone but herself. What is this old woman doing owning a pet in this economy in the first place? You know she's tearing through her retirement funds like nobody's business, so of course her cupboards are bare, cupboards that are probably made of mahogany with gold-plated handles, since people believed in unicorns before they believed that this bubble would ever pop. But, OK, it doesn't all fall on her. Where are her kids? You work hard to raise children, set them up nice in the world, and once times get a little tougher than usual they abandon you. Well, I feel sorry for that damn dog. He's the only innocent one in this whole stinkin' mess.
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star
"Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are. Up above the world so high, like a diamond in the sky ..." Ha! A diamond. Give me a break. The only place anyone's going to see a diamond nowadays is in a geometry book. And, if some guy proposes to you and shows you some ring with a shiny rock, you run the other way. And fast. Like a gazelle. Because he's mixed up in some kind of silly racket, let me tell you.
Jack Be Nimble
Jack is clearly on drugs. And, sure, the temptation to do some uppers and escape from all this lousy stuff is there. I'm not immune to that; I'm a human being. But, honey, look where it gets you. You spend your days jumping over some candlestick like some sort of circus monkey, but who's taking care of your family? Jack's probably got three kids wearing Ziploc bags for mittens and banging pots and pans on the subway to make a dime. It just ain't right.
Rock-a-Bye Baby
It's sick, it's freakin' sick, honey. I couldn't hold down a tuna melt for days after hearing this one. But it's the sad truth in times like these. People get desperate, they don't know what to do or where to turn, and they do twisted things, like putting some poor, defenseless baby up on a rickety tree branch. Priorities, that's the real problem here. People get their priorities all out of whack, and we end up in a situation like this. Why did they need some fancy rocking cradle in the first place? People get so caught up with image they never stop to think that maybe that poor little kid would have rather just been held in his or her own parents' arms, instead of some high-tech Sears and Roebuck baby palace.
Little Bo Peep
Now, I didn't do none of that collegiate stuff that everyone does nowadays, which I think was the start of this whole mess in the first place, but I'm pretty sure the lost sheep are meant to symbolize hope, promise, and, more specifically, the American dream. I like that part, I do. You can relate to it. But then this Bo Peep chick falls asleep, and at first I said, "Whoa there. Are you trying to say that Americans collectively took a nap at the wheel of the vehicle of their own success and prosperity?" Harsh stuff. But then I thought more about it, and you know what? That's exactly what we did. And, sure, we were following the crooked street signs put up by the banks and investment firms, but that's no excuse to go on autopilot. So, you know, I like this Bo Peep one very much.
There Was an Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe
Yep, sounds about right to me. But, for the love of God, use a rubber.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Ohhh, Yes.
I hardly ever put up trailers to movies I am excited to see on here. This is mostly because I only recently learned that trailers are not, in fact, movies in their entirety and I was afraid to be put on the fed's black list for pirating. Who knew those gigantic popcorn and fountain soda stores had talkies playing in the back?
Anyway, I am forgoing this trend to share the trailer for 500 Days of Summer. This is the type of movie for which I will count down the days until it opens, go see it immediately by myself, and then go to a trendy coffee house afterwards, making eyes at any and all male customers with hopes that we fall in love, until I am asked to leave by the head barista because the constant dropping of my handkerchief is disrupting their attempts to mop the floors. At least, I imagine that's what would happen.
If the trailer itself wasn't enough, I googled the film after I watched and guess who else is in it? Minka Kelly (Friday Night Lights), only my biggest crush on television since Dick Van Dyke (From Dick Van Dyke to dyke, am I right?)
Hurray for there being a reason to keep breathing, at least through one nostril.
Anyway, I am forgoing this trend to share the trailer for 500 Days of Summer. This is the type of movie for which I will count down the days until it opens, go see it immediately by myself, and then go to a trendy coffee house afterwards, making eyes at any and all male customers with hopes that we fall in love, until I am asked to leave by the head barista because the constant dropping of my handkerchief is disrupting their attempts to mop the floors. At least, I imagine that's what would happen.
If the trailer itself wasn't enough, I googled the film after I watched and guess who else is in it? Minka Kelly (Friday Night Lights), only my biggest crush on television since Dick Van Dyke (From Dick Van Dyke to dyke, am I right?)
Hurray for there being a reason to keep breathing, at least through one nostril.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
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