A Few Simple Rules Before You Enter My Moon Bounce

Hi there! Glad you could make it, and glad I could squeeze you in. Moon Bounce Mondays have really been taking off ever since that write up in my diary.

I see you’ve begun to untie your shoelaces. That’s a great start. It goes without saying that my Moon Bounce is a no shoe-zone ... unlike my wife’s closet! Ha! Ha!

I don’t have a wife, but the joke doesn’t work as well if I say “my landlady.” I’m allowed to do that out here, but inside the Moon Bounce, there’s a pretty strict rule against hyperbole, especially in regards to how high one may have just gotten on his last in-air-somersault.

Which brings me to a few more quick, simple rules before you step into my Moon Bounce. Please pay careful attention, because I’ve unfortunately had to kick out more than one bouncer who did not properly adhere to the very thorough, but nevertheless very reasonable, rules for entering my Moon Bounce.

1) Absolutely no sharp objects. No pens, no scissors, no pocket knives, no outside-of-pocket knives, no antennae, no hair-dos done at a trendy Japanese salon, and no tridents (with the exception of any Greek God-themed Moon Bounce days.) Now, I know what you are going to say. “But I have a life-threatening allergy to peanuts, and I need my EpiPen in the case that someone comes into the Moon Bounce and shoves a fistful of peanuts down my throat.” Well, I’m sorry, I really am, but that is the risk you’re going to have to take. I’m of the belief that allergies can be overcome with the mind, anyway, which is why the end of My Girl is particularly frustrating for me to watch.

2) No cursing. The Moon Bounce should be a place where naive, innocent children can roam about freely. Which brings me to rule #3 ..

3) No children. They’re neither innocent nor naive anymore, and I’d rather not infect my Moon Bounce with sin and Robert Pattinson and sexting. Save that smut for the ball pit at McDonald’s Playpen.

4) No socks with individual toe holes that make your foot look like a hand. I know they’re fashionable, but it makes it too hard to judge handstands properly.

5) Treat my Moon Bounce as you would a public pool. Meaning: wait 2 hours after you eat before entering, keep your hair tucked back neatly with a swim cap, and if a stranger hops on your back and screams, “CHICKEN FIGHT!!”, just go with it. Even if you’re the only ones in there.

6) No jumps that end in a split landing. I loan out too many personal pairs of pants to risk the type of tearage that often occurs when an inexperienced Moon Bouncer attempts a split landing. (Note: Really not my rule, more my tailor, Christof’s. If you really feel passionately about being able to attempt a split landing while in my Moon Bounce, please contact him directly. Also, if I have any shirts that are ready when you visit Christof, please pick them up and bring them to me the next time you are to enter my Moon Bounce.)

7) No pets. If you don’t have the ability to reason, then you won’t be able to make the proper decision as to who to save and who to forsake in the unfortunate event that my Moon Bounce should deflate.

8) No gum chewing. I didn’t install a chewing tobacco spit bucket for my health, you know.

9) Please remain cognizant of even weight distribution at all times while in my Moon Bounce. If, at any point, you look around and everyone else is at a significantly higher altitude than you are, then perhaps it is time to consider pursuing a higher-intensity workout regiment than playing on my Moon Bounce. Or, perhaps you did not pay attention to rule #9, that being ...

10) Please empty your pockets of all solid gold bars before entering my Moon Bounce.

11) Please keep any and all jokes told within my Moon Bounce topical. There has been some chatter amongst the Things-That-Inflate community that Moon Bounces are becoming out-of-date and obsolete, and telling Leno-style monologue jokes while in my Moon Bounce is the best way I can think of to combat this fallacy.

12) If my Moon Bounce is to deflate, do not panic. For I will be panicking, and your panicking will only further cause me to hyperventilate, and available air will be precious and fleeting as is.

Ok, then, I think that just about covers everything! You may now enter my Moon Bounce! Enj --oh, wait just one gosh darn second there! What’s that in your back pocket? Is that a ... oh my God. A pineapple.

Just get the hell out. Get the hell out right now.