I cannot wait to get totally, utterly, face-bendingly SMASHED tonight.
I'm talking absolutely obliterated here. Oblit to my obit, that's how tonight is gonna go.
Seriously, I am gonna get so ridiculously plastered. I'm probably going to get so out of control that I have to remove my own shoelaces with my teeth and tie myself to a chair. That's how outrageous tonight is gonna be.
I hope that before this night ends, my skull EXPLODES; that is how insanely tanked I want to get. And then I want to go around and pick up all the pieces of my skull and put it back together with only the sticky stuff from the back of used post-its, just so I can just keep on getting more and more positively HAMMERED.
I don't think you understand what I'm saying here: I enrolled myself in a thirteen-week long SAT practice class, just so I could create more brain cells, which I will now proceed to absolutely DESTROY on this very eve. If that isn't absolutely corybantic, then I don't what is.
Listen, after tonight, you might as well tell everyone that you’ve been to ancient Greece, cause I am going to turn my entire body into one giant pit of RUIN.
For real, though, my head is going to be like a car crash you see on the side of the highway, but this time, traffic will actually speed up, cause it’ll be so bad that people can’t even look. Yeah, yeah, that is EXACTLY how absurdly sloshed I’m going to be in a mere matter of hours.
I don’t even KNOW what blitzkrieg means, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to be doing a total and absolute blitzkrieg on my mind tonight. (Side note: they should really cover ‘blitzkrieg’ in an SAT prep class, don’t you think?)
Whatever, DOESN’T MATTER, because after tonight, I’m gonna thoroughly annihilate my ability to formulate new thoughts, ideas, sentences, words, even noises. Do you realize what that means? After tonight, I probably won’t even be able to produce a single sound that resembles something a human makes, cause I’m getting so ridiculously, wildly, insanely, totally FUC --
Oh, what? You think you’re just gonna stay in? Yeah, no, that’s fine. I think there’s a “Big Bang Theory” marathon on, anyway.
Follow @jenstatsky on Twitter. Or don't. Whatever.
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hit counter Hits and self esteem are positively correlated, so please click "reload." My neighbors, who will benefit from a significant increase in the number of Haagen-Dazs pints available to them at our corner deli, thank you. And I do, too.
2 comments:
omg, you are hysterical.
xo
sami
You would have to drink a lot of Mike's Hard Lemonade for your skull to explode. I think Einstein has a theory on this.
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